FADE IN:
SUPERIMPOSE: 2007, alternate
timeline: politics have rendered pro sports unwatchable, and
intramural sports surge in popularity. This brings money, and only
the craziest billionaires want in.
INT. A FORTUNE TELLER’S
WORKPLACE – DAY
A FORTUNE TELLER, who’s dressed
entirely in red and wearing large earrings, is seated at a table.
PINCHBACK, dressed in a yellow suit and a white turtleneck, storms
in.
SUPERIMPOSE: 2007
FORTUNE
TELLER
What can I do for you?
PINCHBACK
So you can see the future,
correct?
TELLER
I go where the cards take me.
PINCHBACK
I like you.
I want to ask you about something
I’m already sure of. Just to make sure you’re accurate, you
know.
FORTUNE
TELLER
Okay.
FORTUNE TELLER Gets out the tarot
cards and begins shuffling.
PINCHBACK
My question is this: will my team
defeat our hated rivals and win the championship today?
FORTUNE
TELLER
Please, sit down.
Pinchback does so.
Fortune teller finishes shuffling
and reveals the first card: death.
PINCHBACK
Is that bad?
FORTUNE
TELLER
Not necessarily.
Fortune teller flips another
card: also death.
PINCHBACK
What about that?
Fortune Teller flips another
card: yet again, death.
PINCHBACK
What kind of sick joke is this?
They’re all death cards!
FORTUNE
TELLER
I swear they’re not!
Fortune Teller shows the cards to
Pinchback. Indeed, none of the visible cards are death. Pinchback
seizes the deck and flips six more cards at a quickening pace. All
death.
PINCHBACK
You’ve cursed us all you crazy
hag! You know what, I’m sure you’re wrong. In fact, I’m gonna
double down on that.
INT. BALL KICKERS LOCKER ROOM -
DAY
There’s a MANAGER addressing
his players. There’s also a statue of a gnome on the table.
MANAGER
So that’s why it’s so
important to stop #9 Murgatroyd. Do that, and we’ll keep the
title. And if you ever doubt yourselves, we still have the lucky
statue.
Phone rings, it’s Pinchback.
Sorry guys, it’s the owner.
Gotta take this. Maybe he’ll wish us good luck.
He goes to another room.
MANAGER
(to phone)
Hello?
PINCHBACK
I’ve just sold your golden boy.
MANAGER
Is that even legal? We’re
about to walk onto the field!
PINCHBACK
Look, I needed some quick cash in
order bet on us. I had to prove a fortune teller wrong. You
understand.
MANAGER
I’ve put up with a lot this
year. The clown incident. The trust falls. Having you play with us
at practice. But none of those affected us on the field.
PINCHBACK
Look, just win, okay?
PINCHBACK hangs up.
EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY
SUPERIMPOSE: USIL League Table, 2007
Week 38
1. Ball Kickers (80 points, 62 GD)
2. Playground Legends (80 points, 35
GD)
12. Viva Ha Ha Man! (48 points, 9 GD)
19. Bearrorism (23 points, -19 GD)
PHIL
(V.O.)
Hello, I’m Phil with ‘Balls
to the Wall,’ the Ball Kickers podcast, and welcome to the final
and title-deciding game of the 2007 season between Ball Kickers and
Playground Legends. Let’s not beat around the bush here: Ball
Kickers are the overwhelming favorites, having won eight straight
titles and in the process earned 1-200 odds from Vegas. Only a year
of devastating injuries to Ball Kickers has allowed Playground
Legends to get this close. As for Legends, they’ll hope for a
moment of genius from star midfielder Tony Murgatroyd.
A BALL KICKERS player kicks the
ball back to a teammate to start the game, and there’s a very brief
montage of game action.
SUPERIMPOSE: HALFTIME: PLAYGROUND
LEGENDS 0, BALL KICKERS 0
PINCHBACK makes a beeline to his
car as the teams adjourn for halftime, and starts drinking
immediately.
SUPERIMPOSE: 90’ + 2’, STILL
SCORELESS
PHIL
This is probably the last chance
for either team. Garne sets things up.
Pinchback is seen drinking again.
The kick comes in. A LEGENDS PLAYER kicks the ball into a crowd
near the Ball Kickers goal and a few BALL KICKERS PLAYERS get a foot
to it, but it soon winds up in the Ball Kickers’ net.
PHIL
And Murgatroyd scores one of the
flukiest goals of all time! Playground Legends are champions.
PLAYGROUND LEGENDS PLAYERS
immediately start celebrating, while BALL KICKERS players just look
confused and in disbelief.
Pinchback staggers toward the
lucky statue dragging a sledgehammer.
MANAGER
What are you doing? And where’d
you get a sledgehammer?
PINCHBACK
What’s it look like? Its luck
has run out.
MANAGER
Nobody wins every year and half
the players are superstitious. What are they gonna do if they find
out you smashed their good luck charm?
PINCHBACK
So what? I just lost like
eleventy billion dollars.
Pinchback begins raising the
sledgehammer.
MANAGER
(interjecting)
Give me the sledgehammer and
let’s go to the car. Then we’ll figure out what to do to take
your mind off it. Whatever you’re into.
PINCHBACK
Really? Anything?
MANAGER
Just don’t make any rash
decisions. I’ll help you down to the car.
Manager glances back at the
statue, but quickly realizes he has no free hand with which to take
it along, so he grasps the sledgehammer in one hand and supports
Pinchback with the other. When they reach it he puts the
sledgehammer in the trunk, closes it, and the silhouette of Pinchback
is visible in the passenger seat. He walks over to Pinchback.
MANAGER
I’m going to let the players
know what’s going on OK?
PINCHBACK
Sure. Whatever.
Pinchback takes a swig.
Manager hurries back and reaches
the spot formerly occupied by the statue, but it’s not there
anymore and he looks dejected.
INT. OFFICE OF GORDON GUFFMAN -
DAY
GUFFMAN is dressed in a yellow
turtleneck and tan suit coat like a James Bond villain, and paces
around the room. There is a gun on his desk, for which he starts to
reach, but soon changes his mind. His phone rings.
SUPERIMPOSE: PLAYGROUND LEGENDS
OFFICE, 2014
GUFFMAN
(answering it)
So what happened to our scout?
Give me some good news.
LORENZO
He's on the run because the
police say he was trying to find the next great player by examining
their testicles.
GUFFMAN
What?
LORENZO
Apparently he got the idea from
some Chinese team.
GUFFMAN
Why does this keep happening?
Nobody spends more than I do, but 80% of my employees are complete
morons.
LORENZO
I don't know. You hired him.
GUFFMAN
Oh so that's how it is. You know
what? I think we have too many people coming in and not enough going
out. From now on anyone that pisses me off, their name goes in the
lottery.
LORENZO
Couldn't you wind up firing your
best people that way?
GUFFMAN
If they were the best, they
wouldn't have pissed me off.
Guffman hangs up. He pours
himself a drink, takes a swig, then writes ‘Major Polkinghorne’
on the corner of a legal notepad. Tearing the name off, he then
places it into a fishbowl filled with many such pieces, presumably
other names. He rolls some dice, and one of them shows a skull.
Guffman vigorously shakes the
fishbowl, and is careful to avoid dropping it or letting papers fly
out. Placing it on the desk, he walks to the other side of the room,
rubs a trophy for good luck, returns to the fishbowl, and
dramatically plucks out a name. Pausing a second, he looks at the
paper. A wry smile appears on his face.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Lorenzo is addressing his
players.
LORENZO
Congratulations on your tenth
straight win, everyone. Our lead over Ashley is 12 points with only
21 left to play for, but don’t let up. I don’t just want to win,
I want to humiliate them next week. Make sure you pick up the game
plan before you go. You’ll know what they’re thinking before
they do.
INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY (LATER)
Lorenzo is just about to leave
when a SECURITY GUARD enters.
SECURITY
GUARD
Lorenzo Markovik?
LORENZO
Who?
SECURITY
GUARD
(checking his phone)
I’m here to escort you off the
premises.
LORENZO
What the hell for?
SECURITY
GUARD
Your number was up.
LORENZO
How did I even get in the bowl
though? I’ve won ten straight games and three straight titles! I
never ask for more money for players! Hell, I even take care of
Guffman’s fish!
SECURITY
GUARD
That’s none of my concern.
LORENZO
Yeah, well screw this job anyway.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Lorenzo is worriedly pacing
around the room. He tries to make a call, but gives up after a
half-dozen rings. Then he texts someone named Annie.
LORENZO
(TEXT)
When are you and the kids
getting home? Tough day at work today.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Lorenzo is sleeping, and nothing
is out of place here. The doorbell rings; he quickly wakes up and
checks the time, and then looks extremely alarmed. Cut to Lorenzo at
the door in a bathrobe to see a police officer.
OFFICER
Lorenzo Markovik?
LORENZO
Why does everyone keep saying
that?
OFFICER
(handing LORENZO a manila envelope)
This is a summons to appear in
court tomorrow at 8 AM on charges of child molestation, spousal
abuse, and creation and distribution of child pornography. Have a
nice day.
Officer begins walking back to
his car.
LORENZO
Wait, this can’t be real.
There’s no way you’d let a guy who really did all this stuff walk
the streets.
OFFICER
(who has now reached his car)
Save it for the judge, you sick
bastard.
Officer drives away.
Lorenzo just stands at his
doorstep, dumbfounded. After a few seconds he opens the envelope and
removes the contents. There is a lone sheet of paper saying: “Screw
this job anyway. -Guffman.” Lorenzo gets back into bed.
FADE
OUT
FADE
IN
Lorenzo receiving a message on
his phone, waking him up. His room has become the tiniest bit
disorganized; maybe there’s a sock on the floor or something. The
message is an amber alert, and it says: “ATTENTION: local sick
bastard Lorenzo Markovik is now living at 111 Anywhere St. He has
been convicted of multiple sex crimes against women and children from
his own family. You know what to do. Check our website for more
information.” Lorenzo goes to the website and sees that he is now
listed as a sex offender.
LORENZO
(seeing that there’s a mug shot)
When did they take that?
He notices a car driving by, and
ducks his head down. A few seconds’ pause for thought, and he
heads to the closet and locates a duffel bag labeled ‘Break in Case
of Apocalypse’.
LORENZO
(upon seeing the bag)
Might as well be the apocalypse.
He’s about to walk out the back
door when he stops himself to grab a picture of his family. Next, we
hear loud knocking at the door. Lorenzo instinctively ducks down,
but once he realizes nobody can see him from outside, he looks out
the back door and sees a fence off in the distance. In the next cut
Lorenzo is running towards the fence as fast as the duffel bag will
permit him. Once he reaches it, he throws the bag over and vaults
the fence after it. The knocking continues.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Late morning. A messy bedroom.
The sole occupant, JONAS, is surrounded by crutches, empty pizza
boxes, and clothes flung about the room. He has also fallen asleep
with his headphones in.
SUPERIMPOSE: 2017
JONAS
Damn!
His phone alarm has gone off
right in his ears, and he jolts awake as though shot out of a cannon.
He notes the time and struggles to reach a nearby container of
cookies without getting out of bed. Suddenly there is a knock at the
door.
JONAS
What the…?
Just a second!
He makes his way to the door on
crutches but there is no cast. He looks through the peephole to see
the suit-clad ASSISTANT waiting patiently. Jonas is puzzled by this
but opens the door anyway.
ASSISTANT
Message for you, sir.
He hands Jonas an envelope and
then briskly turns and walks away. The envelope reads: “Ball
Kickers.” Jonas starts to shout something at Assistant, but he
quickly reconsiders, and in any case Assistant strides out of sight
too quickly.
Jonas settles back down on the
bed, this time granting himself easier access to the cookies but also
Mountain Dew, savoring them. He opens the letter and begins reading.
MERIWETHER
PINCHBACK (V.O.)
Congratulations on being chosen
by Ball Kickers. We hope you will meet your new manager and
teammates even if you do not feel 100% by the first practice. In the
box you will find a charm from our owner’s homeland in the Austrian
foothills.
Jonas opens the box.
It can either grant you a minor
wish or hurt your enemies, but for the latter you need something of
theirs, like a personal item. Will it work? Is it a test? That’s
up to you to find out. Meriwether Pinchback, owner of Ball Kickers.
INT. FAN PODCAST HEADQUARTERS -
DAY
A dimly-lit room, one that has
not been used in months. PHIL, the self-described overlord of the
Ball Kickers’ fan podcast “Balls to the Wall” enters and sets
up the microphone again. He then dusts off a photo of the 2006
championship team, which is marked as such. And finally, he
dramatically stabs a voodoo doll with Guffman’s name on it.
Phil is now seated behind the
mic. The lights are now on, and DAVE and SCOTT have joined him.
PHIL
Hello everyone, and welcome to
Balls to the Wall, the Ball Kickers Podcast. As always, I’m your
host PHIL, and this week I’m joined by Dave and Scott. Well
everyone, let’s get right down to it. Is this the year?
DAVE
No.
SCOTT
So optimistic!
PHIL
Goodnight everyone, don’t
bother following along this season.
DAVE
Why would you think we’d win?
Our first-round pick Jonas is still injured. The owner hasn’t been
seen since inheriting the team in ‘07 and is probably on crazy
pills, plus we still need a new manager, but the most likely
candidate is a convicted sex offender. That hurts us even if he was
framed.
PHIL
OK, slow down, and let me give
you the counterpoint, AKA how things really are because I’m the
podcast overlord. Eventually our luck has to change. Our best
player last season got food poisoning and broke ribs while vomiting
five games before the end. There’s no way that will happen every
year. As for our new player, maybe the team found out the injury’s
not that bad. Maybe, instead of ‘crazy pills,’ Pinchback is
completely obsessed with winning the title because that’s all he’s
got. And for all we know, Markovik, if he is the new manager, has a
poster of Guffman in his bedroom just to remind himself how bad he
wants revenge.
DAVE
None of that matters if we’re
cursed.
PHIL
and SCOTT
Come on!
INT. FAN PODCAST HEADQUARTERS -
DAY
SUPERIMPOSE: FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
PHIL
And now it’s time for
everyone’s favorite segment, the triggering, where we look at who
made a complete ass of himself this week, who will probably go to
Twitter or Congress of the UN to try to get us to stop ‘harassing’
him. So Scott, what do you have for us this week?
SCOTT
This week, we’re starting in a
familiar place: Playground Legends.
PHIL
I’ve tried to avoid doing the
same old thing on this show, but let’s face it: they’re our only
rivals.
SCOTT
It’s all started when
Playground Legends player Cletus Cowling was driving a 4x4 through
Denali National Park. Then he encountered a bear.
PHIL
As you’re wont to do.
SCOTT
He must’ve gotten some advice
on how to deal with bears. Whether it’s lions, bears, killer bees,
or dinosaurs, you stay in the vehicle.
PHIL
But let me guess, he failed to
heed this advice.
SCOTT
Yes, Phil. Not only that, he
decided to approach the bear. Maybe he wanted to reach an agreement
by which the bear would leave the road? I don’t know. Anyway,
after a few steps the bear rears up and roars and Cletus takes off
running, and he doesn’t stop until he’s out of sight of the
vehicle.
PHIL
And did the bear chase him?
SCOTT
It did not. But when Cletus
realized he had nowhere else to go, he went back, and the bear was in
the driver’s seat. Not only that, the door was locked from the
inside.
PHIL
So he got carjacked by a bear?
SCOTT
He got carjacked by a bear. They
found him two days later, naked, on top of a police car.
DAVE
The bear, or Cletus?
PHIL
This is going to be a great
season.
EXT. HEAVILY WOODED AREA – DAY
Shot of ASSISTANT getting out of
his car in the parking lot and checking the dossier he has on
Lorenzo. While moving through the forest at a deliberate pace to
check the tracks, look for signs of movement, and so on, he even
finds a tripwire. Soon afterward though, he locates Lorenzo, who is
hiding face down under some leaves. Assistant pulls him up by his
shirt and LORENZO plops back on the ground.
ASSISTANT
Lorenzo Markovik?
LORENZO
The last time someone asked me
that, it didn’t go so well.
ASSISTANT
What were you doing down there,
trying to join the Viet Cong?
LORENZO
That would be pretty cool
actually.
ASSISTANT
So what then?
LORENZO
(Goes over to a nearby log and sits
down)
As part of my sentence I’m not
allowed to go near any places where children congregate. And this is
almost the only place around that fits the bill.
ASSISTANT
So what do you plan on doing
long-term?
LORENZO
What choice do I have?
ASSISTANT
You’ve never thought about
getting back into the managerial game?
LORENZO
Of course I’ve thought about
it, but nobody’s going to employ a convicted child molester.
ASSISTANT
But you were framed.
LORENZO
Yeah. I know.
ASSISTANT
So what are you gonna do
instead?
LORENZO
LORENZO
I was gonna learn how to fight my
case, but some days I can’t move past wanting to slice Guffman into
a fine red mist, and nothing gets done.
ASSISTANT
So why don’t you come back to
management then?
LORENZO
Who are you working with?
ASSISTANT
Ball Kickers.
LORENZO
Ball Kickers? No way. Those
guys are cursed. The last thing I need is to give Guffman the
satisfaction of beating me yet again.
ASSISTANT
So you believe in the curse? I
thought you were the ultra-scientific, leave-nothing-to-chance,
200-page-gameplan sort of manager.
LORENZO
Doesn’t
really matter. It only matters that the team thinks
they’re cursed.
ASSISTANT
But that’s exactly the reason
you should come back. If you lose, it’s the curse, the players
thinking they were cursed, whatever. But if you win, you’re
basically a wizard, the savior of a franchise. Besides, we’re
prepared to offer you something you’ve never had: total control,
and an owner who hates Guffman just as much as you do.
LORENZO
But isn’t Pinchback crazy?
Nobody’s seen him since his dad disappeared after losing half his
cash and left him the team in ‘07. Besides, where could I live
while managing you?
ASSISTANT
Pinchback’s not crazy, he just
has certain needs that can only be met by getting away from it all.
Sound familiar? At least let me take you to the house and you can
decide for yourself.
EXT. RURAL ROAD – DAY
Assistant
is driving a car in which Lorenzo
is the passenger. They soon come to a stop in a rural residential
area.
LORENZO
Why is parking so far from the
house?
ASSISTANT
He said it makes him seem more
mysterious. Besides, he never leaves the house anyway.
LORENZO
So this is his place then?
ASSISTANT
Yeah. But help me unload his
stuff first.
Assistant pops the trunk and they
both get out. The first thing that comes out is a wheelbarrow.
LORENZO
Why do you need a wheelbarrow?
Are you doing your Eagle Scout service project?
ASSISTANT
Look, it’s not that heavy, just
hard to carry.
Assistant takes a suit of armor
out of the car and puts it in the wheelbarrow. Lorenzo looks puzzled
but starts unloading as well. Among the items are a sword, a shield,
a helmet, an old gun, and a crate labeled ‘PILLS.’
Lorenzo is now pushing the
wheelbarrow along as Assistant walks with him.
LORENZO
So when Pinchback liberates the
holy land, do we automatically win the title?
ASSISTANT
Maybe it’s good that you got
fired.
LORENZO
What’s wrong with jokes?
ASSISTANT
Making fun of the disabled is
very problematic.
LORENZO
Sorry. I didn’t know.
ASSISTANT
The truth is, I don’t know what
he’s gonna do with this stuff.
LORENZO
And the pills?
ASSISTANT
I admit I looked once, but I
can’t even guess after googling the medications. I did find blood
in there, though.
LORENZO
So he’s a vampire?
ASSISTANT
See, there you go again, you
ableist.
LORENZO
Sorry.
They enter the house. Assistant
produces some papers.
ASSISTANT
Now I just need you to sign at
the bottom before you can live here.
LORENZO
(after looking at the paper for a few
seconds)
Well, I guess I have nothing to
lose.
He signs them.
ASSISTANT
Congratulations, you’ve just
replaced me. You’ll be handling all of Pinchback’s requests as a
condition of your residence here. Good day to you, sir.
Assistant leaves.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY
SUPERIMPOSE: HALF AN HOUR BEFORE
GAME TIME
Lorenzo has shown up well before
his players and is diligently setting out chairs and putting reports
into three-ring binders for them. Closeup of the title page, which
reads ‘HOW TO DEFEAT PLAYGROUND LEGENDS by LORENZO MARKOVIK”.
PLAYERS start filing in.
LORENZO
(greeting the first PLAYER, handing
him a binder)
Hi, I’m Lorenzo, read this.
Players start arriving more
quickly. Lorenzo hands a few more of them binders.
Jonas, who’s now seated with
his binder and the other players, overhears:
BALL
KICKERS PLAYER 1
Isn’t this the child molester
guy?
BALL
KICKERS PLAYER 2
Yeah. That’s pretty messed up.
BALL
KICKERS PLAYER 1
I’m not sure if he really did
it though. You can get on the list just for looking at a kid wrong
these days.
BALL
KICKERS PLAYER 2
At least this field isn’t near
any kids. I hate kids.
JONAS
(to both of them, holding the charm)
Hey, I’m Jonas. Did you guys
get one of these?
BALL
KICKERS PLAYER 1
Yeah.
JONAS
What’d you do with it?
Ball Kickers Player 1 is about to
reply when Lorenzo starts talking.
LORENZO
(addressing everyone)
Alright, listen up everyone. We
have ten minutes before we have to get out there so I’ll keep this
short. I’m the manager Lorenzo Markovik. You’ve probably heard
rumors about me. Does this guy touch kids? Does he write 100-page
reports for even the easiest games?
(Smiles)
Why did Guffman fire him? Well,
the answer is that Guffman framed me. If you’ve been framed for
sex offenses, they’re not gonna let you go near any kids,
especially your own. So instead of watching terrible kids’ movies
and waking up at 3 AM every day, all I think about is how to take
down Guffman. If you’re taking penalties and their goalie dives to
his left 51.2% of the time, that’ll be in there. If their left
back has pins in his foot and had a slightly disappointing experience
at a restaurant last night, you’ll know.
EXT. OUTSIDE REFEREE’S HOUSE -
DAY
SUPERIMPOSE: REFEREE’S HOUSE
HALF AN HOUR BEFORE GAME TIME
Two LEGENDS ASSISTANTS are
sitting in a car outside a house. One of them, LEGENDS ASSISTANT 2,
is eyeing the surrounding area from his seat.
LEGENDS
ASSISTANT 1
Will you stop doing that?
LEGENDS
ASSISTANT 2
No. We can’t be seen here.
LEGENDS
ASSISTANT 1
Or what? Everyone’s doing what
we’re doing.
LEGENDS
ASSISTANT 2
Guffman would fire us for
anything. I don’t want to take any chances.
LEGENDS
ASSISTANT 1
(seeing REFEREE walk into the house)
Well, there he is. You
satisfied? And bring the suitcase.
Legends Assistants go to the door
and knock. REFEREE answers.
REFEREE
(from behind partially opened door)
Are you here for the thing?
LEGENDS
ASSISTANT 2
...Yes?
REFEREE
Well get in here before anyone
sees you.
The three of them hustle in.
There is another ASSISTANT packing up his things and he leaves almost
as soon as they’ve entered.
LEGENDS
ASSISTANT 2
Wait, what was that guy doing
here?
REFEREE
Probably the same thing you guys
are.
LEGENDS
ASSISTANT 2
So you’re just rigging games
like wrestling matches? How could you let that guy see us?
REFEREE
What’s he gonna do?
(mimics a phone call)
Hello, FBI? I’d like to report
a referee bribery scandal in an intramural soccer league. How do I
know about it? I just tried to bribe him too. Oh wait, I shouldn’t
have said that. Goodbye.
LEGENDS
ASSISTANT 1
Be gentle with him. It’s his
first time. Can we sit down?
Referee gestures toward a table
and they all sit down.
LEGENDS
ASSISTANT 1
There are a thousand reasons we
think you should be a Playgrounds Legends fan today.
REFEREE
A thousand? I don’t even get
out of bed for that.
LEGENDS
ASSISTANT 1
Oh yeah? Who’s gonna give you
more? We both know Pinchback’s too cheap to pay up.
Pause for Referee reaction. He
knows he’s beaten.
LEGENDS
ASSISTANT 1
Just for that, it’s $500 now.
Unless you think Pinchback will offer more in the next hour.
REFEREE
(sighs)
Throw in a pizza and you’ve got
a deal.
EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY
Players preparing for a game.
Playground Legends is in red and Ball Kickers is in white.
SUPERIMPOSE: USIL League Table
Week 1
2. Ashley (0 points, 0 GD)
5. Ball Kickers (0 points, 0 GD)
12. Great Balls of Fire (0
points, 0 GD)
19. Playground Legends (0 points,
0 GD)
PHIL
(V.O.)
Hello and welcome to the season
opener, and it’s a big one against Playground Legends and their
filthy red rags. I’m Phil from the Balls to the Wall podcast and
with me is my co-commentator Scott. Dave is currently banished due
to the disgusting lack of faith he showed last podcast. So Scott,
tell us about the lineups.
SCOTT
No surprises for either team,
except maybe Jonas, who is coming back from injury earlier than
usual. On the Legends side, odds are that Giovanni Jukes is either
high, itching for a fix, or recovering from crashing one of his cars
yet again last night. In goal is probably the only guy crazier than
he is, Lothar Frings, who always looks like he’s about to bite the
head off a squirrel.
PHIL
Kickoff takes place.
And the season’s underway.
Duggleby passes back to PLAYER...over to McKnight...It’s taken away
by Tribe...But Bebo steals it right back for Legends.
SCOTT
Good take there by Trickle.
Seemed like he knew what Bebo was going to do before he did. Maybe
that’s one of Lorenzo’s infamous game plans paying off.
SUPERIMPOSE: HALFTIME: PLAYGROUND
LEGENDS 0, BALL KICKERS 0
(90’ + 2’)
PHIL
We didn’t think Ball Kickers
would have a chance in this one after their offseason turmoil, but
all they have to do is survive this Legends corner and they’ll get
a point.
A corner kick is scored; nothing
particularly flashy about it. Ball Kickers player ERASMUS goes down
and starts writhing on the ground as though he has just been shot,
rolling until he’s almost stuck in the net. He glances over to the
Referee as he does so in the hope of a foul, but the Referee isn’t
buying it.
PHIL
And Legends have scored in
second-half extra time! This puts a serious dent in our title hopes
already. And wastes a great performance too.
SCOTT
To add insult to injury, Erasmus
has gone down injured, and nearly rolled into the net.
PHIL
That’s what I hate about
players today. You’re not injured. You don’t have to roll
halfway across the field. And don’t look at the referee. I don’t
care if he’s one of ours.
SCOTT
Well, maybe he really is hurt
this time.
PHIL
We’ll see.
INT. THE MORGUE - DAY
Erasmus is lying on his back in
an empty room, open-mouthed, and still.
