EPISODE
3
SCENE
1
(Exterior.
Day. JONAS is alone on a practice field. He does various drills:
dribbling between cones, keeping the ball up, stretches, and so on.
Then he moves on to shots. But then we see someone approaching him
from behind: LORENZO. JONAS looks back, and turns toward the camera
again. Once LORENZO cannot see his reaction, we can see on JONAS’S
face that he’s not happy to see him).
LORENZO
So
how’s it going?
JONAS
I
think I’ll actually be able to make the next game. Must be the
program that the trainer sent me.
LORENZO
So
it’s definitely not drugs?
JONAS
Unless
drugs can cure you just by being in the same room as you, yeah.
LORENZO
I
wonder why people take drugs at all these days, with these miracle
trainers around.
JONAS
All
I’m saying is that maybe that guy needs to watch his back before
he’s found dead inside a duffel bag locked from the outside.
LORENZO
You
get too close to certain people, and life can be hazardous.
JONAS:
So now that you don’t have to worry about me, what are you doing
about Guffman’s cheating?
LORENZO
(becoming
irritated)
You
don’t need to know about that!
JONAS
Whoa,
OK. Nobody’s around. I’m not recording anything.
LORENZO
Sorry
about that, but if you knew what I know, you might snap too.
JONAS
OK,
OK, maybe it’s better I don’t.
LORENZO
Exactly.
If Guffman tried to get you to talk, everyone talks eventually. But
trust me, big things are happening.
JONAS:
Is there anything you can say?
LORENZO:
Only that if what I think will happen happens, it’ll be like
finding out unicorns exist.
SCENE
2
(Exterior.
Day. Ball Kickers Headquarters. After the initial exterior shot,
switch to interior).
CAPTION:
Ball Kickers Headquarters
BALL
KICKERS OPERATIVE 1
Why
isn’t he here yet? Do you think they got to him?
BK 2
BK 2
Calm
down. They don’t even know about him yet. That’s the whole
point.
(There’s
a knock at the door. BK 1 and BK 2 both leap up and answer it as
fast as possible).
BK
1
(to
REF CANDIDATE, while urging him in)
Are
you sure you weren’t followed?
REF
CANDIDATE
Yeah,
but are you sure they weren’t watching this place?
BK 2
BK 2
We
wouldn’t just throw this chance away because we forgot something
that basic.
REF
CANDIDATE (as they all sit down)
Why
do you guys keep talking about me like I’m the chosen one or
something?
BK
1
Because
you are. A die-hard Ball Kickers fan with no social media presence
for Guffman to find? For a while we weren’t even sure a person
like that existed, or that we could find him if he did. You’re our
best chance to finally infiltrate the referee program.
REF
CANDIDATE
So
they don’t just ask you which team you’re a fan of and then let
you through to the skills testing?
(BK
1 and BK 2 look at each other uneasily.).
BK
2
Usually,
they just check someone’s social media history to discover his
favorite team. But you? They’ll probably interview family
members, dig through your trash, hook electrodes to your genitals,
nothing’s off limits. This is unprecedented.
BK
1
(shouting
at REF CANDIDATE)
Which
team do you support?!
REF
CANDIDATE
Uhhh...Great
Balls of Fire.
BK
1
(angrily)
Not
quick enough.
REF
CANDIDATE
Come
on what was the point of that?
BK 1
BK 1
One
slip and the jig is up. If you can’t keep this going among
friends, what hope is there?
REF
CANDIDATE
So
if I’d passed your shouting test I’d be ready? And we aren’t
friends.
BK
2
Look,
there are some Ball Kickers fans that know this sort of stuff. We’ll
teach you how to handle anything they’ll throw at you.
REF
CANDIDATE
Like
what? If they’re gonna hook electrodes to my balls then this just
isn’t worth it.
BK
2
Bottom
line is we don’t really know, since the normal background check is
off the table. But, if you’re gonna fake being a fan of another
team, you’d better know everything about them. (Pulls out a huge
binder of papers and plops it on the table with a thud).
SCENE
3
(Exterior.
Day. The US Soccer Championship Refereeing Office).
CAPTION:
US Soccer Championship Refereeing Office, 11:55 AM
(Interior
of said office. REF CANDIDATE walks through the door, looking
nervous).
REF
COORDINATOR
(walking
over to shake REF CANDIDATE’S hand)
Hi,
you must be Ross.
REF
CANDIDATE
(shaking
his hand)
Yeah.
Nice to meet you.
REF
COORDINATOR
I’m
Steve, head of refereeing. (Adopts look of concern). You look
nervous.
REF
CANDIDATE
No,
just tired. I’ve been refereeing for a while so I’m pretty sure
of the rules.
REF
COORDINATOR
Well
that’s good. (Motions toward desk, on which there is a pencil and
a few sheets of paper). The first part is just a short exam with
mostly multiple-choice questions and a few others that can be
answered in a second or two. Then after that there are a few video
questions and then you’ll be free to go.
REF
CANDIDATE
Great.
REF
COORDINATOR
You
only get thirty minutes for the written exam, though you can turn it
in at any time before that. Just let me know when you’re ready for
the clock to be started.
(REF
CANDIDATE sits down and tries to give a confident gesture to the
stopwatch-bearing REF COORDINATOR, but betrays his nervousness. REF
COORDINATOR starts the stopwatch. Shot of a clock. Shot of the
first question:
1.
What is a goal?
A.
When the ball completely crosses the goal line
B.
When any part of the ball touches the goal line
C.
Either A or B depending on who’s paying you or who you support
D.
Who cares, nobody can score in this sport anyway
Shot
of a smiling REF CANDIDATE. Shot of a time-lapsed clock. Shot of
REF COORDINATOR looking a bit too intensely at his stopwatch. Shot
of REF CANDIDATE looking over his answers).
REF
COORDINATOR
Time’s
up, pencils down!
(Collects
the test and sits back down). I’ll just grade this real quick so
you don’t have to do the video portion in case you failed it.
REF
CANDIDATE
Alright.
(REF
COORDINATOR checks off item after item. Eventually he folds the
paper back up, puts it on the desk, and gives a thumbs up to
previously unseen men in black. Shot of one of them putting a black
bag over REF CANDIDATE’S head).
(Interior.
Day. REF CANDIDATE is seated asleep in the lone char in a
windowless room, but isn’t bound and doesn’t appear to be hurt).
REF
COORDINATOR
(over
a loudspeaker)
Congratulations,
you passed part one easily.
REF
CANDIDATE
(waking
up)
Where
am I?
REF
COORDINATOR
An
undisclosed location. Do you remember how you got here?
REF
CANDIDATE
No.
What’d you do? Hit me in the head? Chloroform?
REF
COORDINATOR
Jujitsu
choke hold my friend, jujitsu choke hold.
REF
CANDIDATE
Isn’t
this kidnapping? (Walks to the door and tries to open it; it’s
locked). If you were gonna kidnap me you shouldn’t have let me see
your face.
REF
COORDINATOR
I
wouldn’t do that if I were you. You heard what happened to
Lorenzo, didn’t you?
REF
CANDIDATE
(looking
a bit scared)
Why
would you do that?
REF
COORDINATOR
How
did you know about him? I thought you were a Great Balls of Fire
fan.
REF
CANDIDATE
Everyone
knows about Lorenzo.
REF
COORDINATOR
Look,
you’re really close to becoming a ref. I just want to show you
some pictures and get your reaction to them. Then you can go, OK?
REF
CANDIDATE
Fine.
REF
COORDINATOR
Good.
Let’s begin.
(The
screen turns on. After a short time, an image of Playground Legends
players celebrating next to dejected Great Balls of Fire players
appears. REF CANDIDATE has the appropriate negative reaction, as
everyone hates Playground Legends. Then there is an image of Great
Balls players celebrating a goal. REF CANDIDATE reacts a little
slower than one might expect. Closeup of REF COORDINATOR’S eyes,
looking concerned. Next is a picture of Guffman that flashes on the
screen for a split second. REF CANDIDATE seems more confused than
angry. Now the images start coming faster and faster, and we observe
REF CANDIDATE forego trying to react to them and instead assuming a
blank stare. Shots of Ball Kickers winning, Ball Kickers losing, the
league trophy, puppies, kittens, spiders, beetles, pizza, etc. are
interspersed with shots of REF COORDINATOR’S eyes. However, this
soon ends and the light brighten).
REF
COORDINATOR
Just
one last thing. I want you to make a written statement about the
integrity of the refereeing program, and then you can go. I’ll
slip the prompt under the door.
(The
prompt appears as promised. REF CANDIDATE grudgingly comes to the
door and picks it up. He goes back to his seat and begins reading).
VOICEOVER
The
history of refereeing has always been controversial. Even though
there is more scrutiny than ever, there have been high-profile
bribery scandals, unbelievable mistakes, and even on-the-pitch
murders. Some even say humans aren’t up to the task of refereeing
a game of inches like this. Tell us how you’re committed to
protecting the integrity of the refereeing program).
SCENE
4
(Exterior.
Day. A lonely suburban road next to a wood. A solitary car
approaches and out steps LORENZO, some distance away from the portion
of the woods in the first shot. Cut to a shot of him some distance
away; he quickly walks toward the camera, trying not to be seen.
Reaching the camera, he enters the woods and starts examining the
rocks very closely. Soon he finds what he’s looking for: a fake
rock with a hidden compartment. Inside is a piece of paper with the
printed message: “I’m in your car.” He looks back to try and
verify this, not sure whether to be amused or concerned. The next
shot is of him getting into the passenger side of his car and
discovering PI).
PI
It’s
worse than we thought. I might need to up my fees so I can avoid
being framed for pedophilia.
LORENZO
Before
you up your rates you have to show me what you’ve got.
PI
First
of all, Guffman’s controlling the referees.
LORENZO
Well
yeah, we knew that. He’s been screwing us ever since the ‘07
finale.
PI
That
was beautiful, man.
LORENZO
What
was?
PI
Us?
You weren’t around back then.
LORENZO
I
guess it got personal.
PI
Anyway,
notice how I said ‘controlling’ and not ‘bribing.’ Guffman
thinks that payoffs are too obvious these days, what with everyone
getting hacked every ten seconds. That, and the amount of money
being thrown around means that buying a zebra costs more than he
wants to spend. You can’t get anyone to look the other way for
$100 anymore.
LORENZO
So
we get dirt on all these guys?
PI
PI
Right.
LORENZO
Because
it costs less than outright payoffs?
PI
Almost
certainly. And it means you’re doing the right thing, if that
matters to you.
LORENZO
It
does actually, but how is this doing the right thing?
PI
PI
The
refs have stayed bought for so long that the only way to solve it was
either to replace them all, even though they’d eventually be bought
again, or to get some kind of leverage on them and only use it for
good.
LORENZO
You’re
making me tear up. So what else you got?
PI
You’re
really not gonna like this, but I think I found the reason for what
happened to you.
LORENZO
Yeah,
my name wound up in the bowl somehow and then he drew it.
PI
No,
I mean the punishment. Why that one?
LORENZO
LORENZO
Because
pedophilia is the one thing nobody defends, at least I thought. It
almost doesn’t matter whether you’re guilty.
PI
What
do you know about scouting?
LORENZO
LORENZO
I
know that we don’t do very much of it.
PI
Luckily,
unlike you I am still allowed near areas where children congregate,
but unfortunately so is Guffman. This was the most dangerous job
I’ve ever done, because if you get caught taking pictures of kids,
you’re dead. Guffman wasn’t just scouting colleges and high
schools back when you got fired, he was looking at every level of
school, even down to kindergarten. Even worse, if he heard about two
athletes getting married or having a kid, he tried to recruit that
kid for Playground Legends before they were even born.
LORENZO
So
Guffman had me framed for pedophilia just to undermine my future
scouting efforts against him, while he was planning his own the
entire time?
PI
It’s
just a guess, but I think it makes sense.
LORENZO
You
have to hand it to him. Obviously I still want you to ruin his life
and burn the ashes, but he was thinking three moves ahead there.
It’s almost something I would do. (Reaches into his bag and takes
out a manila envelope, as he’s already shot down another train of
thought).
PI
What’s
that?
LORENZO
LORENZO
Plan
47A. I saw this coming.
PI
You
considered every possibility? What’s 47B?
LORENZO
47B
is enemy cyborg players. But listen, I want you to help me sabotage
Guffman’s scouting--
PI
I
told you, I’m not going anywhere near kids. Toy stores, zoos, even
restaurants with kids’ menus are all no-go.
LORENZO
Just
look at it, OK? I’m not even sure we’ll be able to do it.
PI
Why?
LORENZO
If
you read it, you’d know.
PI
Well,
I think it’s time for me to bail out. (LORENZO pushes the envelope
into PI’s hands as he gets out of the car). Yeah alright, fine.
Pleasure doing business with you.
LORENZO
Do
you need a ride back or something?
PI
PI
Don’t
worry about me.
(LORENZO
shrugs and starts the car, then starts looking around for PI to avoid
running over him. He’s nowhere to be found, even though he can see
for miles and there are no cars around).
SCENE
5
Caption:
Meriwether Pinchback’s Estate, 1:30 PM
(Interior.
Day. Pinchback’s room, darkened out of necessity. An envelope is
slipped under the door, one of those 8x11 cardboard envelopes that
can’t be seen through. Inside is another envelope, this time a
standard paper one. The typed letter reads: “I need some extra
funds to execute plan 47A. Whatever your answer, please respond by
mail in an opaque envelope. Guffman is watching all electronic
communications. LORENZO.”)
TEN
YEARS AGO
(PINCHBACK,
whose face we cannot see, is receiving texts on the progress of the
game against Playground Legends from his father. The texts read: ‘I
have a massive amount riding on this game. Cross your fingers. DO
IT. You’re lucky.’ Hours later: ‘0-0 at half time.’ An
hour after that: ‘WE CHOKED, THE GNOME DIES NOW.’)
(Shot
from behind of the figure of PINCHBACK slumping down, looking
disappointed. He sits back down for a while).
45
MINUTES LATER
(PINCHBACK
looks at his watch, gets up, and goes to the window and there is a
shot of the parking area, now vacant. He begins to text ASSISTANT).
(ASSISTANT
receives a text: ‘What’s going on over there?’ from PINCHBACK).
(ASSISTANT
replies: ‘Your dad’s gone missing. Don’t know any more than
that’).
(Shot
of PINCHBACK going into the bathroom and checking on his supply of
pills, of which only about a third of the original bottle remains).
(ASSISTANT
receives another text from PINCHBACK: ‘What are we gonna do if he
never comes back?’).
(In
reply PINCHBACK receives the following: ‘If that happens, you’re
going to have to learn to invest, in my opinion. He didn’t lose
enough to bankrupt you or make you sell the team, but you could still
have a long life ahead.’)
(PINCHBACK
answers: ‘Couldn’t it take seven years for him to be declared
legally dead?’)
(ASSISTANT:
‘How’d you know that?’)
(PINCHBACK:
‘I can’t go outside and I’m out of TV shows to watch.’)
(ASSISTANT:
‘Well if you want my advice, I would read up on investing a bit and
risk an amount you could afford to lose. If it ever goes to court, I
doubt a jury would be sympathetic towards a reckless alcoholic.’)
(PINCHBACK
gets on his computer and there’s a shot of his portfolio, worth
roughly two million, and the team’s payroll is about $200K a year).
PRESENT
DAY
(A
shot set up in identical fashion, but now those numbers are $13
million and $6 million, and then there’s another site where it’s
revealed that PINCHBACK makes enough from taking bets on the league
to fund his whole operation).
Caption:
2:15 PM
(Exterior.
Day. LORENZO is on a walk in a park or near a waterfall or
something. He soon pauses to write something down: “Bribe
groundskeepers to lower grass quality for Legends games so they get
hurt and can’t score. Tell them to blame sabotage.” He puts the
notebook away and continues walking. He is approached by a courier
who thrusts an envelope of the type he requested from Pinchback into
his hand, then runs away. LORENZO opens and reads the contents:
“Whatever you need is fine by me. I trust you not to waste my
cash. -M.” LORENZO smiles to himself and takes out his phone and
starts texting someone, though we can’t see the message or the
recipient).
SCENE
6
USIL
League Table
Week
9
1.
Playground Legends (20 points, 27 GD)
2.
Ball Handlers (18 points, 10 GD)
7.
Ball Kickers (13 points, 12 GD)
15.
Ballacaust (7 points, -5 GD)
(Exterior.
Day. REF CANDIDATE is looking at his phone, about to ref his first
game. After putting his phone away he looks a bit nervous). A
Playground Legends uniform comes into view).
Caption:
Playground Legends vs CannonBALLS
Game
#15
(Kickoff
happens. The ball soon goes out of play and it’s obvious that it
was off a CannonBALLS player, but REF CANDIDATE hesitates to make the
correct call because he wants CannonBALLS to win; however he soon
makes the correct call as he decides it’s early in the game and the
call is trivial).
Caption:
1-1, 90’ + 1’
(Shot
of two players going for a 50/50 ball. REF CANDIDATE gives a foul).
LEGENDS
PLAYER
You’re
giving a foul for that? Now?! Who’s paying you? You trying to
throw this?
(REF
CANDIDATE takes out the spray and starts walking ten paces for the
free kick).
REF
CANDIDATE
You
have about ten seconds to get in the wall.
(PLAYGROUND
LEGENDS PLAYER looks angry, but he gets in the wall. REF CANDIDATE
blows the whistle, signaling that the free kick can take place. It’s
a low shot to the near corner—made possible by the poorly placed
wall--that the CannonBALLS played say is in, but the referee can’t
be sure because there are bodies between him and the ball. He is the
only referee, thanks to league tradition and the extraordinary
penny-pinching when it comes to referees. However, the REF CANDIDATE
quickly and emphatically signals ‘goal’ and blows the whistle for
‘game over.’ The CannonBALLS players begin celebrating wildly,
while the angry Legends player who protested the free kick tries to
form a crowd around the REF CANDIDATE along with most of his
teammates. The fearful REF CANDIDATE tries to hide among the
CannonBALLS players, whereupon pushing and shoving starts, and the
REF CANDIDATE seizes the opportunity to make a break for it. Cut to
a shot of him along the road. He takes out his phone and calls
LORENZO.
REF
CANDIDATE
(breathing
heavily)
You
gotta help me man.
LORENZO
Who’s
this? How’d you get this number?
REF
CANDIDATE
I’m
a big Ball Kickers fan and I’m being hunted by an angry mob.
LORENZO
Oh,
you just reffed the Legends game, didn’t you?
REF
CANDIDATE
Yeah.
You gotta send a car or something. I was being followed too closely
to go to mine.
LORENZO
How’d
you get this number again?
REF
CANDIDATE
Guffman
doxed you. You haven’t been getting prank calls all night?
LORENZO
No,
just dick pics.
REF
CANDIDATE
Like
I said, I’m a big fan, and I love you, but can you get me out of
here? It’s kinda urgent.
LORENZO
Relax,
I sent someone as soon as the ball failed to cross the line.
REF
CANDIDATE
And
how do you know where I am right now?
LORENZO
You’re
holding it.
REF
CANDIDATE
I
don’t know whether it’s good or bad that you can do that.
(Shot
of a car pulling up and REF CANDIDATE hurriedly getting in while an
angry mob is still hunting him).
(Caption:
30 minutes later)
(The
car drops REF CANDIDATE off at a donut place where only LORENZO is
seated).
REF
CANDIDATE
(unsure
whether to stress about still not making it home or be excited that
he’s meeting a hero of his)
Nice
to meet you.
LORENZO
(gestures
for him to sit down)
Thanks
for what you’ve done. That could be a vital point in the end.
REF
CANDIDATE
Doesn’t
it bother you, ‘winning’ like this?
LORENZO
You
ever heard of Hitler?
REF
CANDIDATE
On
the internet, yeah.
LORENZO
He
once said that one of the advantages of being a totalitarian state is
that it forces your enemies to act the same way.
REF
CANDIDATE
Isn’t
it a bad thing to take advice from Hitler?
LORENZO
LORENZO
Don’t
you get it? Guffman is the Hitler in this scenario. He fires people
at random, frames people he doesn’t like for fun, and has been
buying refs for years. If a single referee, moved not by money but
by a profound love for his team, happens to decide a ball crossed the
line when at worst nobody can say for sure that it didn’t, isn’t
that okay?
REF CANDIDATE
REF CANDIDATE
I
can’t argue with you right now.
LORENZO
In
that case, thank you for your service, and give me your phone.
REF
CANDIDATE
What?
LORENZO
LORENZO
If
you don’t, I’m not sending another car when Guffman finds you.
And don’t contact me or anyone Guffman knows to be connected to
Ball Kickers ever again. If you do that, I guarantee he won’t find
you. (Hands REF CANDIDATE change). Use the phone in there
(indicates a nearby building) to call a cab.
(REF
CANDIDATE reluctantly hands over the phone, LORENZO gets in the car.
He salutes REF CANDIDATE as he drives away).
SCENE
7
GUFFMAN
(into
the phone, with his MANAGER)
I
don’t care if the ball did go over the line! Where’s that ref?
I want cops to think he’s molested every kid in the state! There
won’t be anywhere he can go that’s safe!
MANAGER
I
don’t know where he is, but besides, I’m a manager, not a hacker.
GUFFMAN
Okay,
okay. I think it’s time we escalated against Ball Kickers. They
have to be behind this. What’s our scouting like?
MANAGER
We
look at anyone from college on up to who can help us now.
GUFFMAN
Not
good enough. We used to look at everyone, even the unborn, before
Lorenzo was convicted.
MANAGER
It
would take a huge budget increase to develop young players.
GUFFMAN
Sure,
whatever it takes. It doesn’t really matter how many pan out as
long as Ball Kickers never get another decent player.
GUFFMAN
Oh,
buy the way, I think we need a bold new leader to implement this new
approach. You’re fired.
MANAGER
I
figured. Three games is more than most get.
SCENE
8
(Exterior.
Day. Ball Kickers is about to take the field for their game against
Ballers. The league table appears on the screen, showing that Ball
Kickers is two points behind but with a game in hand on Playground
Legends).
**************LEAGUE
TABLE HERE*******************
LORENZO
(to
JONAS)
You
feeling good about this? Any injuries?
JONAS
(wryly)
Don’t
jinx it.
LORENZO
Dammit,
you’re right. (Starts looking for wood to touch, but the nearest
tree is far too distant).
JONAS
What
are you looking for?
LORENZO
LORENZO
I
want to knock on wood but those trees are too far...I guess you’ll
be alright.
JONAS
You
believe in that stuff now?
LORENZO
I
don’t know, but why risk it?
JONAS
So
what do we know about this ref?
LORENZO
LORENZO
Enough
that he’s not going to mess with us.
(The
game begins. Random, inconclusive action for a few seconds).
(Caption:
‘5.’)
(A
mistake in midfield leads to one of the Ballers players playing a
through ball. JONAS sees this and comes rushing back from his
forward position to try and stop him, but not only do they score, but
JONAS is hurt before the challenge. It’s the knee again
apparently. Trainers run onto the field. Shot of LORENZO on the
sideline, just shaking his head).
(Caption:
‘Halftime: Ball Kickers 0 Ballers 1’).
(Interior.
Day. The locker room).
LORENZO
(to
PLAYERS)
I
know you guys are a bit in shock right now, but we’re a much better
team than they are. Even if Jonas is out for a while, I know there’s
somebody ready to step up. In case you’ve been living under a
rock, Playground Legends lost yesterday, and my spies tell me that
this ref isn’t going to mess with us, so I don’t want to hear
anyone blame it on him. Let’s get the three points.
(Caption:
‘Second Half.’)
(Kickoff
by Ball Kickers. They cut decisively through the Ballers defense and
get a shot on goal, but it’s saved by the goalie).
(Caption:
‘49’).
(Ball
Kickers build up the attack and manage to score this time. Good
all-around team goal).
(Caption:
‘1-1’).
(Caption:
‘90’ + 1’).
(Ball
Kickers bombard the Ballers goal with shots, but apparently their
goalie is having the game of his life, and the ref blows the game
dead. ‘1-1’ is the caption. Reaction shot of LORENZO).
SCENE
9
(Interior.
Day. It’s the fan podcast room. PHIL is editing a show.
Suddenly the phone rings).
PHIL
Hello?
LORENZO
LORENZO
You
guys are still investigating the curse, right?
PHIL
Oh
wow, the man himself! Don’t worry about the curse, I fixed it
already.
LORENZO
LORENZO
Are
you sure? Jonas is hurt again.
PHIL
Yeah.
Trust me on this.
LORENZO
I
guess it’s all up to the doctors then.
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