Ball Kickers Episode 2

EPISODE 2

SCENE 1

(Interior. Day. Locker room).

(CAPTION: “Just after the game against Playground Legends.”)

(LORENZO and JONAS are sitting around looking glum).

JONAS

So did you see what happened to Erasmus?

LORENZO

I’ve watched a lot of video on that guy, and he loves anything it’s being shot by invisible snipers and rolling halfway across the field. He’s like an invisible sniper fetishist. He’ll be fine. What about you though? I saw you pull up out there. I know your history.

JONAS

(glum)

I think it might’ve happened again. I could be out for months. I’m gonna do whatever I have to do to stay in the team though.

LORENZO

Good. (Produces a bottle of pills).

JONAS

Except that.

LORENZO

Why not?

JONAS

It’s cheating, isn’t it?

LORENZO

If this is cheating, then so is surgery or access to superior trainers.

JONAS

I’m going to at least see what the doctors say first.

LORENZO

At least take them.

JONAS

I don’t want them.

LORENZO

Do you know who you’re dealing with? The ref out there was bribed today. How do I know that? Cause we were trying to bribe him too. All because enforcement is so weak that the only crime is being too obvious. And that’s for rules actually on the books. We haven’t actually banned any drugs in this league. Do you think Legends players aren’t huffing compounds from outer space or injecting themselves with synthetic DNA before every game?

JONAS

Fine. I’ll take them, and I won’t even sell them, but I still won’t guarantee I’ll use them, because I want to win without it.

SCENE 2

(Interior. Day. A bookstore. FPG #1 is looking through the section on curses, looking devastated. He is soon shown buying one).

(Interior. Day. The fan podcast room. All three FAN PODCAST GUYS are sitting around looking glum. One looks at his phone. Another opens a curse book but soon loses interest. A third is looking through his box of Erasmus memorabilia).

SCOTT

I can’t believe Erasmus is dead.

(The words hang in the air).

DAVE

How did he die?

PHIL

One of the Legends brushed past him, and he did that thing he always does where he goes down like he’s been shot, even though nobody touched his head, and the game was over. Anyway, he must’ve cut himself on something in the grass—a rusty nail maybe—and boom, gangrene. Didn’t even last a day.

DAVE

I told you we’re cursed.

SCOTT

Well why don’t you do something about it then instead of complaining all the time?

DAVE

If I could, I would. But I’m not the one cursed.

PHIL

Who says you have to be the one cursed in order to fix it?

DAVE

Oh look at you Phil, podcaster, superfan, curse expert.

PHIL

I got a whole stack of curse books right here. Why don’t you help me read them, so we can figure out how to get rid of it?

DAVE

Are you saying you believe me?
PHIL

After we had a player die of gangrene contracted on opening day purely due to his own stupidity, yeah, maybe.

SCOTT

(shrugs)

Well I’m in.

(PHIL hands half his stack of books to DAVE).

SCOTT

How about I just take Wikipedia.

(CAPTION: “Days later.” Shot of PINCHBACK in a darkened room, although it can only be inferred that it’s him because his face is never seen. He starts up is computer and begins typing an email. It is addressed to “contact@ballkickers.com” and the subject is “Curse information.” The first lines are “The owner sold someone right before the ‘07 title-deciding game. Maybe you should find whoever it is and get him to uncurse the team?’

Cut back to the Fan Podcast Guys’ room. There are half-open books, pizza boxes, and empty Mountain Dew cans everywhere. Only PHIL and DAVE are present, but sleeping. SCOTT walks in and has to wake PHIL up, who is startled).

SCOTT

So do you guys have any idea what it might be?

PHIL

We have a couple ideas, yeah. Do you ever knock?

SCOTT

When do I ever knock?

PHIL

(silently agrees)

For one thing, we found out from a listener email that it could have started when Pinchback sold his best player right before the ‘07 title game.

SCOTT

So our own curse of the Bambino. Seems obvious.

DAVE

But do you know why he did it?

SCOTT

No idea.

DAVE

Apparently, he went to a fortune teller earlier that day who told him that not only would his team lose, but that his family would be cursed for generations. And Pinchback got so mad that he flipped the table, stormed out, sold the guy, and bet all the money on his own team just to prove her wrong.

PHIL

We’re just glad he didn’t sell him to them. Even Pinchback wasn’t that crazy.

DAVE

So what do we do about it?

SCOTT

The first thing we have to do is find out the guy’s name.

DAVE

You didn’t just Google it?

PHIL

Well, it was 2007. Not everyone put every last detail of their intramural soccer team online back then.

DAVE

I’m sure Pinchback kept track of all that stuff one way or another.

PHIL

(incredulous)

This guy consulted a fortune teller on the last day of the season, and her opinion was so important to him that he sold his best player just so he could bet against her. He doesn’t seem the meticulous type.

DAVE

So what’s the plan?
PHIL

Leave this one to me. I’ll get the guy to lift the curse or whatever after I find him.

SCENE 3

(Interior. Day. The three FAN PODCAST GUYS are in a room with CURSE EXPERT).

CURSE EXPERT

Hi guys. Welcome to curse investigation training. (DAVE raises hand). Yeah?

DAVE

How many curses have you reversed?

CURSE EXPERT

Look, you can leave if you want, but just make sure you give me the credit when these guys reverse the curse (shot of DAVE, by his body language, agreeing to stay).

CURSE EXPERT

Alright then. There seems to be three main kinds of curses: one, a wronged individual, two, object-related curses, and three, geographical curses. Which one do you guys think you have?
PHIL

Maybe all three, actually.

CURSE EXPERT

Ouch. I’ll just cover everything then.

DAVE

Might as well get our money’s worth.

(Shot of other FP GUYS enjoying this).

CURSE EXPERT

First, wronged individuals. We’ve all heard of the Curse of the Bambino, when Babe Ruth was sold to the Yankees to finance a show, or the Curse of the Billy Goat, where an angry bar owner, denied entry to Wrigley Field on account of his pet goat’s stink, cursed the Chicago Cubs for all time. What I would try with this sort of curse is getting the wronged person to lift the curse. I know this sounds obvious, but as far as I know it’s never been tried. Cubs fans tried asking the guy’s nephew and even using goats to curse other teams, but nobody actually went to the man himself. And no one knows who if anyone broke the curse. The Curse of the Bambino was actually pretty weird in that Babe Ruth didn’t curse the Red Sox, and nobody really knows how the curse was reversed. Curt Schilling’s bloody sock maybe.

Next we have curses based on items, of which I could only find one example. A Japanese baseball team once won the title, prompting fans that resembled the players to jump into a nearby river. But because nobody resembled the team’s one white player, the fans threw a statue of Colonel Sanders in. The team immediately started losing again, never won another title until divers found the statue years later. Parts of it had to be replaced though, so you might get away with that if you can’t locate all the pieces of whatever item is cursing you.

And last but not least we have geographical curses. Since you’re in a local league you probably won’t have to deal with this, but it might be interesting.

SCOTT

Actually, there are rumors that our field sits on top of a place where native tribes used to perform human sacrifices.

CURSE EXPERT

Well you might learn something then. Anyway, geographical curses might be the hardest to get rid of. If you have this sort of curse on you, you can only console yourself with the fact that you’re not Washington DC or Buffalo.

DAVE

What about Detroit?
CURSE EXPERT

Detroit does have the Red Wings, but the Lions were actually cursed by Bobby Lane after they traded him back in the 40s, and he is responsible for all their problems since then. Now, Cleveland has only managed to get rid of the curse by moving the team to Baltimore, and if you’re moving to Baltimore in search of a better life, you were probably a child soldier.

If the ground was deliberately cursed, rather than scorned by God like Cleveland or Buffalo, you can try to reverse what they did by, for example, erasing whatever symbol they drew at the site, or even hiring a counter-curser, though I believe they’re ineffective.

DAVE: Like who?

CURSE EXPERT

The Australian national soccer team once hired a witch doctor to curse the opposing team, which shouldn’t have worked because witch doctors help rather than hurt, but he cursed them instead when they didn’t pay up. The curse wasn’t lifted until they hired another witch doctor to reverse it.

So, what did we learn?

DAVE

Buffalo is an icy hellhole cursed by the Dark One for all time.

CURSE EXPERT

Yes. But also that there are three types of curses. You need to get the originator of a curse to reverse it themselves, if it was a person. If an item is cursed, you need to reassemble it, although a partial reassembly might work. And if it’s a geographical curse, either move your team or find out he specific curse even and go from there. Oh, and countercurses don’t work. Sorry.

SCENE 4

(Interior. Day. JONAS is sitting alone on the trainer’s table when the TRAINER walks in).

JONAS

So how bad is it?

TRAINER

Hard to tell with this kind of injury. Could be weeks, could be months. We’ll know more after some extra tests.

JONAS

Either way, is there something I can do now to get started on rehab?

TRAINER

I’ll email you a program I heard great things about after this.

JONAS

Great. I want to get started ASAP.

TRAINER

It’s so rare to hear that lately. Good for you.

JONAS

It’s rare for players to want to get started on rehab?

TRAINER

Most of them just look up which drugs they want to try before coming in and try to get me to prescribe them. Anyway, let me get the lab set up for the tests. (TRAINER leaves the room).

(JONAS sits at the table for a few seconds before taking out his phone. He then searches for the phrase ‘which drugs are the most fun?’ Focusing and unfocusing the camera, the viewer sees bits and pieces of articles as JONAS scrolls down in a brief montage. ‘Countless new drugs are being developed and tested all the time.’ ‘Why would anyone take something that could cause their limbs to be amputated?’ ‘New drug causes Parkinson’s after just one dose.’

TRAINER

(re-entering the room)

Tests are ready.

(Cut to a shot of TRAINER and JONAS entering the lab).

TRAINER

OK, have a seat here for me (indicating the trainer’s table).

TRAINER

So you have insurance right?

JONAS

(looking slightly uncomfortable)

Uh, no. I thought the team was going to cover this.

TRAINER

Usually they do, but if there’s a change, it happens at the beginning of a season.

JONAS

Wait, who exactly do you work for?

TRAINER

The team.

JONAS

So the team has a deal worked out with insurance companies? Why not just charge a reasonable price and leave them out of it?

TRAINER

It’s more complicated than that. Sometimes, to get certain supplies, we have to deal with them.

JONAS

What supplies?

(TRAINER produces a bottle of pills identical to the one LORENZO showed JONAS earlier).

TRAINER

Take them and this is all on the house.

JONAS

(irritated)

So that’s what this whole thing was about?

TRAINER

Look, the team knows you need the money. (A pause). If there’s anyone who knows about falling on hard times, it’s Lorenzo.

JONAS

(standing up)

So do have that program you said you’d email me, or not?

TRAINER

Yeah.

JONAS

Just send it to me then. (Starts to walk out).

TRAINER

Why not just take them when every Legends player is a walking pharmacy?

JONAS

I got this far without them. And in any game, you expect the other guy to cheat to some degree, or get some calls that he didn’t deserve. That’s how I think of any drugs Legends players are on. (Leaves).

SCENE 5

(Interior. Day. The Fan Podcast guys’ room. PHIL has stayed behind after a show in order to investigate the name of the player sold. This starts with Google. He starts by searching for ‘list of Picked Last players’ but doesn’t get anything).

PHIL

(to himself)

If you’re so good, you probably played on the ‘06 team too, right?

(He googles 2007 US Soccer Championship game reports and compares the names, but there are no new starters).

PHIL

Nah, you wouldn’t be riding the pine if you were our best player.

(PHIL discovers that the library website has digitized several years worth of the local paper and starts searching it as well. He turns page after virtual page, until he thinks he’s found what he’s looking for, but the name is crossed out).

PHIL

(tracing the mark with his finger)

Guffman is that you?

(Cut to a shot of PHIL writing an email to the guy that first told him about this. ‘Hey this is PHIL from Balls to the Wall. Thanks for the tip about the player being sold right before the last game of the ‘07 season. Trouble is, I can’t find his name anywhere. Do you remember it? Thanks.”

(CAPTION: The next day.” PHIL gets an error message saying that the address no longer exists and the message wasn’t delivered).

SCENE 6

(Interior. Day. GUFFMAN is watching his laptop intently, taking notes while a voice says something in Japanese. GUFFMAN appears to get more and more invested in what’s happening on the screen).

GUFFMAN

Go! Go! Kill him! Use your mandibles!

(PLA enters).

PLA

Sir? Are you ready to start looking for a new manager again?

GUFFMAN (motioning for PLA to come towards him): Soon. Come and watch this. It’s the finals.

(PLA walks over so he can see. One of the two beetles fighting each other quickly gains the upper hand).

GUFFMAN

Yes! Iinuma takes it!

PLA

Why do you watch this stuff?

GUFFMAN

(begins to glare at PLA before speaking)

I’ll tell you why I watch this stuff. Have you ever wondered why a super-rich guy like my isn’t into something like horse racing or fox hunting?

PLA

I have wondered that.

GUFFMAN

While I have always wanted to yell ‘release the hounds!,’ I’m an admirer of excellence. Horse racing is all about who a horse’s sire is and what drug’s he’s on. And fox hunting is just no contest. But in beetle fighting, the best always rise to the top. It’s pure skill. Don’t like that the other beetles has bigger, shinier horns than yours? Too bad. Even if beetles could talk, any complaints of unfairness would fall on the deafest of ears.

PLA

I’m surprised to hear you say that, given that your players are on everything under the sun.

GUFFMAN

These days, you have to look the other way just to tread water. And even with the drugs there’s always the 20% that rises to the top.

PLA

So that’s why the bowl exists?

GUFFMAN

Yes.

PLA

But aren’t you playing a dangerous game here? Have you ever gotten rid of someone in the 20%? Things can go downhill fast then.

GUFFMAN

Are you sure there’s no one else who would do your job?

PLA

Maybe we should talk about managers.

GUFFMAN

So tell me about the new pool of managers you’ve found.

ASSISTANT

Well, in the top leagues there are very few people you haven’t fired or otherwise alienated, but we are always keeping tabs on them.

GUFFMAN

What about the lower leagues?
ASSISTANT

I’ve put together a spreadsheet of every manager in the country who has his team in a playoff position, sorted by perceived willingness to take the job.

GUFFMAN

How can you tell?
ASSISTANT

The closer they are, the more they’ll want it. Although it might turn out that they’ve heard you’ll probably fire them in a month or two, and someone from farther away will be a better choice.

GUFFMAN

Is there anyone amusing?
ASSISTANT

There is one guy who enjoys doing charity swims, especially in ice water. Claims his retinas froze once while breaking the ice water record.

GUFFMAN

Oh, he sounds fun. Play his cards right, and he might stick around a whole season. What’s going on with the scum?
ASSISTANT

Our spies tell us that Jonas might have reinjured himself, and that Lorenzo was seen giving him a package as they left the facility.

GUFFMAN

Well, you know what to do when we think somebody’s up to something.

SCENE 7

(Interior. Day. JONAS’s room, and he’s sleeping again. Suddenly there’s a loud knock on the door).

JONAS

(obviously still fatigued)

I must be the only person on earth who still gets people knocking at 8 AM on a Sunday.

(Cut to a shot of JONAS at the door in his robe. There’s a package, looking like it’s from a corporate sender, but there’s no return address on it. Cut to a shot of JONAS opening it in his room. It’s more pills, of the same type LORENZO gave him. There’s a typed note inside: “Just in case. Love, Lorenzo.” JONAS looks puzzled. After a few seconds his phone rings. It’s ASSISTANT (Guffman’s).

ASSISTANT

(on phone)

We know.

SCENE 8

(Interior. Day. LORENZO is busily defacing a picture of Guffman, periodically pausing to admire his handiwork when his phone rings. He answers it).

LORENZO

Hello?
(It’s JONAS on the other line. Cut to him).

JONAS

Did you send me those drugs?
LORENZO

I did send you something, but I will not speak to its contents on a cellular network.

JONAS

Well, whatever you did or did not send, I got a call from someone who probably works for Guffman saying that they know about it.

LORENZO

How do you know it was him?
JONAS

Sorry but I don’t have anything to go on. All he said was ‘we know’ and then hung up.

LORENZO

Don’t worry about this. I’ll take care of it.

JONAS

It doesn’t bother you that Guffman can apparently see what you’re mailing people?
LORENZO

You forget that I’ve already been dealing with this guy for years. I’ve always thought that a great manager should be prepared for everything, but even I did not anticipate that he would fire me for no apparent reason and also frame me for abusing my own kids. Don’t worry. I got this one.

JONAS

Thanks. (Hangs up).

(LORENZO goes to his desk and pulls out a sheet of paper. On it are listed various scenarios, down which he moves his index finger until it reaches scenario #427P, “Guffman threatens one of your players.” He takes out the appropriate manila folder from his desk and reads the first page. ‘What is he threatening? Violence→ page 1 Extortion → page 2 Blackmail → page 3.” He turns to page 3. “Is he bluffing? ‘Yes → page 8 No → page 9.” He turns to page 9 and nods his head. He takes a voodoo doll from the desk, tapes a picture of Guffman’s face to it, and stabs it through the heart with a knife. Then he opens his laptop and begins writing).

“Dearest Gordon, ever since we parted on that fateful day many years ago, I’ve wondered just how someone like you can run a winning team. It definitely isn’t wise managerial choices, since, as I found out, it doesn’t matter what your managers do. Maybe it’s throwing money at players, though you’ve managed to keep the details of your transactions a secret. Or maybe you’re just pumping them full of experimental drugs so that they’re more walking pharmaceutical experiments than players. Which brings me to my point: don’t threaten my players over drug use. I don’t know who you were planning to report him to, since the commissioner looks the other way on just about everything. But whoever it is will also learn that you’ve been smuggling every drug from Aspirin to Yohimbe into the country for your boys. And if you’re thinking of retaliating against me...what haven’t you done to me already? --Love, Lorenzo <3

(Voiceover. Montage of LORENZO and GUFFMAN going about their daily activities. For example, LORENZO is reading books on sports psychology and exercise science, and also visiting the Ball Kickers website. GUFFMAN is seen firing managers, fencing, and sitting for a portrait).

SCENE 9

(Interior. Day. PHIL is variously reading, watching TV, lounging around, and playing games while looking at the clock and growing increasingly agitated. All the while he is checking his email on his phone again and again, hoping for the clue that will break the case. Suddenly, it comes in the form of an email marked “From: Lorenzo Markovik.”).

PHIL

Hope it isn’t a virus. (He opens it).

LORENZO

(voiceover)

A government’s most reliable records are its tax records. But what are a sports team’s most reliable records? I trust you know where all our facilities are located. From, a friend.

(Exterior. Day. PHIL is walking toward Ball Kickers’ training facility when he sees JONAS walking out and gets a bit wide-eyed).

PHIL

Stay focused. (JONAS doesn’t even look at him).

(Interior. Day. PHIL walks right into the trainer’s room).

TRAINER

Who are you?

PHIL

I was told you had some drug records for me.

TRAINER

(producing a folder with a single sheet of paper in it and handing it to PHIL)

This never happened. I gotta go. (Leaves).

(PHIL looks inside and discovers a few names and addresses, along with the drugs they’ve been prescribed).

SCENE 10

USIL League Table

Week 5

1. Ball Kickers (11 points, 15 GD)

2. Fat Kids (11 points, 10 GD)

9. Ball Kickers (7 points, 7 GD)

17. Picked Last (3 points, -7 GD)

(Exterior. Day. PHIL is parked outside of a house, of which there are repeated shots, and he looks nervous. Specifically, he checks the time on his phone again and again, finishes his drink, reaches for the door handle only to check the time again, etc. Finally he gets out and goes to the door and knocks.

VOICE

Who is it?

PHIL

A fan.

SANDERSON

(opens the door a bit and reveals himself)

I have fans?

PHIL

Everyone who supports Ball Kickers, yeah.

SANDERSON

I got sold a decade ago and I haven’t played in years. How’d you find me?
PHIL

An anonymous tip told me that you can find just about anyone if you know what drugs they’ve been on.

SANDERSON

I thought that since they got rid of me on a whim, they’d erase that sort of thing too.

PHIL

If it makes any difference, Pinchback doesn’t own the team anymore.

SANDERSON

He sold that, too?

PHIL

No, he’s missing and been declared legally dead.

SANDERSON

So who owns the team now?

PHIL

His son. Nobody’s ever seen him though.

SANDERSON

Ever read the bible?

PHIL

Not really.

SANDERSON

It has a lot of things about punishment. One of them is ‘the sins of the father will be visited on the son for three generations.’

PHIL

I take the team maybe more seriously than I should, but that’s pretty intense.

SANDERSON

(amused)

So who owns it now?
PHIL

His son Meriwether, who no one’s ever seen. The rumors say he’s a real life vampire who can’t face the sun, or possibly a mutant...nobody knows. Hey could I come in?
SANDERSON

Why?
PHIL

I want to talk about ending the curse.

SANDERSON

I guess I’ll hear you out.

(Interior. Day. SANDERSON’s house).

PHIL

So why’d you curse them anyway?
SANDERSON

I was playing with a great group of guys and we had a chance to win another title over a team we all hated. Dirtiest team in the league by far, Playground Legends. If they could snap your legs in half without leaving a mark, they would.

PHIL

Didn’t you think about how it would affect the other guys on the team?

SANDERSON

Well at first I was just mad at Pinchback, and I didn’t take curses seriously until after they lost. I mean, we all had superstitions. Taylor had lucky socks for example, and Marco would burn a picture of the opposing team before every game. He was a little bit weird, but we all loved him.

PHIL

So what do you think about curses now? And wasn’t it kind of a dick move to curse your teammates for what your owner did?

SANDERSON

Well like I said, I didn’t really believe in curses then, and over time I figured all my old teammates would leave since it was obvious Pinchback was screwing us. Besides, it’s not like you can just take back a curse.

PHIL

You can’t? Why not?

SANDERSON

Well you heard of the curse of the Billy Goat right?

PHIL

Yeah, well maybe it has to be the original guy.

SANDERSON

I don’t like where this is going.

PHIL

Come on. It’s been more than a decade and the guy who did it is gone.

SANDERSON

So?

PHIL

Pinchback’s son has some bizarre disease that will probably last for life. Haven’t they suffered enough?
SANDERSON

What would you want me to do, anyway? It’s going to be a wild guess, no matter what.

PHIL

Why not just say that you’re lifting the curse?
SANDERSON

Fine. I lift the curse on Ball Kickers.

PHIL

Was that so hard?
SANDERSON

Actually, I know I don’t have any more bargaining power, but there’s one more thing I want you to do for me. To make sure the curse is really over.

PHIL

And what’s that?
(Exterior. Day. Shot of PHIL driving to PINCHBACK’S house. He gets out, looking dejected. He takes out his phone and calls SANDERSON, after taking a picture).

PHIL

Did you get the pic?

SANDERSON

That could be anyone’s.

PHIL

Check the date on it. It’s mine.

SANDERSON

Why don’t you just record this?
PHIL

I don’t want anyone to know.

SANDERSON

OK fine.

PHIL

OK here goes. (Points at the house). Ha ha! Is the curse over now?
SANDERSON

How should I know?