EPISODE
8
SCENE
1
(Exterior.
Day. The sunrise accompanied by the stirring sounds of the prelude
to Wagner’s ‘Das Rheingold,’ over which we can hear nothing,
even when characters speak. PINCHBACK is taking a walk in the park,
literally stopping to smell the flowers, chase birds, animals, and so
on. Next, cut to a shot of GUFFMAN and FENCING INSTRUCTOR practicing
in his backyard in the presence of PLA. Cut back to PINCHBACK, who
is now getting dressed, adjusting his clothes, and collecting his
gauntlet. Cut back to the other trio: FI is now fighting PLA with
one hand behind his back while GUFFMAN watches. Cut back to
PINCHBACK about to leave when he is confronted by LORENZO, who asks
him a question; PINCHBACK responds; LORENZO replies incredulously.
Cut back to the trio, they are drinking. Cut to PINCHBACK being
driven to GUFFMAN’S house; he gets out and starts approaching. Cut
to the trio; PLA asks who it is, GUFFMAN gives a one-sentence answer
that seems to satisfy him, cut back to PINCHBACK, who has become
larger in the frame; PLA appears alarmed and says something,
PINCHBACK draws his gauntlet, GUFFMAN gets up to confront him,
PINCHBACK slaps him across the face with it, the music stops, and
everyone is dumbfounded).
PINCHBACK
I
demand satisfaction!
GUFFMAN
Who
are you? In my country you’d be whipped for this.
PINCHBACK
(takes
out a piece of paper, unfolds it, and beings reading from it): I
heard he was a vampire, probably because of inbreeding. He probably
made it up, and the real reason is he’s too ugly for anyone to see
him in public.
GUFFMAN
(in
disbelief)
Pinchback?
PINCHBACK
Guilty.
GUFFMAN
How
can you challenge me to a duel? This is America and it’s 2018!
PINCHBACK
It’s
like you said, Gordon. In my country you’d be whipped. Well in
our country dueling is still very real. I choose pistols at dawn, if
you can find anyone you trust to be your second.
GUFFMAN
Do
you really want to get locked up over this? This is what, the second
day you’ve ever spent outside?
PINCHBACK
I’ve
spent the last decade reading you and your fans’ insults about me.
At first it bothered me. I had nothing else to do. Then I told
myself to ignore it. But after a while I realized: what do I have to
do all day? So for years I used computers to train pistol shooting.
And remember, if you turn my down and become a coward, then legally
all your stuff is mine. Well, see you later!
SCENE
2
(Interior.
Day. PHIL, DAVE, and SCOTT are recording a show).
PHIL
Welcome
to Ball Kicking, the Ball Kickers podcast, the podcast that’s
finally going to take back what belongs to it. This week on Ball
Kicking: you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. (Intro theme
plays).
PHIL
Welcome
to Ball Kicking for the penultimate show of the season, and as always
I’m joined by DAVE and SCOTT.
DAVE
Good
evening.
SCOTT
Great
to be here.
PHIL
Well...where
to begin. This is the craziest week I have ever experienced as a
fan, or really in any capacity. For those of you that have been on
mind-altering drugs the entire week, the big news is that Pinchback
has emerged. Yes, our owner is miraculously cured.
SCOTT
Thanks
to me.
PHIL
I’ll
tell you why you’re wrong after this. So anyway, Pinchback has not
seen the light of day his entire life, but somehow he shakes it off
just days before the title-deciding game. And what’s the first
thing he does? Challenges his archrival’s owner to a duel. DAVE,
read us the tweets please.
SCOTT
Why
not me? I broke the curse.
PHIL
I’m
not talking to you right now.
DAVE
The
first tweet was ‘it’s good to be back,’ with a picture of
himself outside. Then: ‘The first act of my new life: challenging
Guffman to a duel. Lorenzo will be my second.’ And the last
tweet: ‘We are also looking for diehard fans to make sure Guffman
doesn’t cheat.’
PHIL
I
just wanna say here that this is the best league to be a fan of,
without a doubt. DAVE, tell us more about the duel.
DAVE
It’s
Saturday at dawn—yes, game day—at an unspecified location, but if
I had to guess it will be somewhere right on the state line to
confuse the authorities as to who has jurisdiction, in accordance
with tradition.
PHIL
Quick
contest idea—and this is for real—send in your applications to be
Pinchback’s third. If you didn’t know, the third is there to
make sure nobody cheats. Normally there’s only a second, but
obviously Pinchback knows that cheating is basically Guffman’s
whole life. So, DAVE, what kind of person is Pinchback looking for?
DAVE
That’s
a terrible idea. How do we know it wouldn’t be cops applying? Or
someone working for Guffman?
PHIL
Yeah,
you’re right. The truth is, I just wanted to see the sort of
applications we’d get. Like maybe SCOTT would’ve made an
ISIS-style video sacrificing balls or something.
SCOTT
If
they ever make this story into a movie or something…
DAVE
Maybe
a youtube video.
SCOTT
Okay,
into a youtube video, my curse solution will be way more entertaining
than yours. Sneaking around stabbing balls with wizards versus
talking to some old guy.
PHIL
If
that ever happens, who’s going to play you? I think Steve Buscemi.
SCOTT
He
doesn’t look anything like me.
PHIL
Maybe
not, but his character in the Big Lebowski is just like the role you
play on this show. As for me, I’d definitely be played by Mad
Max-era Mel Gibson.
SCENE
3
(Interior.
Day. GUFFMAN is seated at a table, looking glum. An antique pistol
is lying there. After staring at it a short while he picks it up and
starts examining it. Soon afterwards he sees a large, aggressive
truck pull up to his house and he gets up, leaving the pistol behind.
Cut to a shot of MANIMAL walking up to his front porch and GUFFMAN
coming out to greet him.
MANIMAL
You’re
motivated. I like that.
GUFFMAN
Come
in, I don’t have much time. (Cut to a shot of the two of them at
the table, GUFFMAN looking grim).
MANIMAL
So
tell me about this situation you’re in.
GUFFMAN
Long
story short, I have this duel tomorrow at dawn, using antique pistols
(indicates the weapon on the table) and I need you to help me win it.
MANIMAL
A
duel? Haven’t those been illegal for like 200 years?
GUFFMAN
Where
I come from, in the old country, I have to do this or else I’ll be
branded a coward. I’ll lose everything I have and so will anyone
related to me.
MANIMAL
OK.
Well I’ll explore all avenues, but I’m not sure how much we can
get done in half a day.
GUFFMAN
All
avenues? Is there any chance you would do this instead, if the price
was right?
MANIMAL
No,
I think it’s important to respect other cultures’ traditions, and
let whatever beef you have to be settled in an appropriate way.
GUFFMAN
But
you’d kick his ass easily. He’d been sick his whole life until
today.
MANIMAL
One
of the things I stress in my business is taking responsibility. You
told me you’re the owner of a soccer team?
GUFFMAN
Right.
MANIMAL
Well
how can you lead them if you don’t take responsibility? You can’t!
GUFFMAN
Actually,
if someone pisses me off, I put his name into a random drawing where
I might fire him.
MANIMAL
Does
that have anything to do with this other guy wanting you dead?
GUFFMAN
Actually,
no.
MANIMAL
If
you make it through this, you need to stop doing that. If everyone’s
pissing you off all the time, maybe you need to look into them more
before you hire them. You gotta stop thinking ‘oh this next guy
will be the one that does everything perfectly.’ Well, after a
while, you gotta think the problem is you.
GUFFMAN
It’s
not true that everyone does. Just 90% or so.
MANIMAL
But
then that’s still your fault, for not doing the hard work it takes
to find more like them.
GUFFMAN
No
offense, but could we get started? If I don’t get this right then
I might only have hours to live.
(Cut
to a shot of GUFFMAN and MANIMAL outside).
MANIMAL
We’ll
get to shooting practice soon, but I think focusing on other elements
will give you the best bang for your buck.
GUFFMAN
Other
elements?
MANIMAL
We’re
going to take a page from one of history’s greatest warriors. When
did you say this was happening?
GUFFMAN
At
dawn.
MANIMAL
And
what would happen if you showed up late?
GUFFMAN
Eventually
they’d say I lost due to cowardice.
MANIMAL
Who
would? This guy you’re fighting? His second? How could they
prove anything?
GUFFMAN
So
what, I just don’t show up and then accuse him of being a coward?
MANIMAL
No,
just watch him until it looks like he’s about to leave, then show
yourself. Then delay more and more because you don’t like the grip
on your weapon or whatever. It could make him miss his only shot.
Does he have anything else to do that day?
GUFFMAN
Well,
there’s the title-deciding game, which he’s probably dreamed of
winning his entire life.
MANIMAL
Great.
The more you make him wait, the more distracting it is. If you
notice him not paying attention, that’s when you strike.
GUFFMAN
Great.
MANIMAL
OK,
now it’s shooting time. Have you decided on a second? Because he
should learn too. And no I’m not gonna do it.
GUFFMAN
Yeah, the only guy that’s not
in the bowl yet.
SCENE 4
USIL League Table
Week 37
1. Ball Kickers (76 points, 40
GD)
2. Playground Legends (77 points,
55 GD)
7. Hard Bargaining (60 points, 20
GD)
13. Ten Feet Higher (45 points,
10 GD)
(Interior. Day. It’s the fan
podcast guys again, still doing the same show).
PHIL
OK, since it’s the last game of
the year, I wanted to tell you guys something. If we win, I’m not
gonna act like I don’t think I was the one who broke the curse.
But in the end, what really matters is that we won, and I got to talk
about wizards, fortune tellers, and carjacking bears with my friends.
Without you guys, supporting Ball Kickers wouldn’t be half as
fun—it would probably just be sad. So whatever happens today, I’m
not going to bring up the issue of who uncursed whom again.
DAVE
Thanks man. I guess now I can
call off that wizard I was going to have make you impotent.
SCOTT
I guess I accept your apology.
But I think what I should’ve done is hire a guy after we won to
make you think someone else broke the curse.
PHIL
Lucky for me, that stuff doesn’t
work.
SCOTT
Yeah. Lucky.
SCENE 5
(Cut to a shot of MANIMAL,
GUFFMAN, and PLA about to take some practice shots).
MANIMAL
The most important thing is to
let the recoil surprise you. Any idiot can aim, but a lot of
shooters anticipate the recoil and end up missing down and probably
to the left if they’re right-handed.
(Shot of GUFFMAN taking aim and
quickly firing. But he misses the target, which is glass. He looks
really disappointed, though also shocked at how loud the pistol was
and the proximity of the explosion. PLA also fires and misses).
GUFFMAN
I really hope Pinchback doesn’t
know what he’s doing.
PLA
Didn’t he pick the weapons
though?
(GUFFMAN glares at him).
MANIMAL
There’s nothing to worry about
yet. Just take your time and get the first hit and we’ll go from
there.
(Montage of GUFFMAN firing and
missing again and again and getting angrier each time, while PLA
misses a couple times but then starts getting the hang of things).
MANIMAL
So what happens if both people
miss with pistols?
GUFFMAN
It goes to swords.
MANIMAL
I could teach you to use those
too but I don’t have any on me.
GUFFMAN
I have more experience with
those, but I guess it couldn’t hurt.
(Cut to a shot of the three of
them holding swords).
MANIMAL
So hold the sword with your right
hand about your left, and then hold it like this so that anyone who
charges you will run into your sword instead.
GUFFMAN
Aaaaah! (GUFFMAN raises his sword
at MANIMAL, who is momentarily alarmed but sidesteps him and knocks
him to the ground).
MANIMAL
What are you doing you crazy
bastard?
GUFFMAN
I only asked you to train us in
guns but now you’re a sword expert too? I had to know you were for
real.
MANIMAL
I’m glad I got paid half up
front because you’re on your own now.
GUFFMAN
What happened to taking
responsibility for everything? If I lose, it’s your fault! It’s
all your fault!
MANIMAL
Send me the rest today in case
you die tomorrow, and then lose my number. No wonder nobody else
would do this. (He walks away).
GUFFMAN (turns toward PLA and
raises his sword): En garde?
SCENE 6
(Interior. Day. LORENZO is
alone in a locker room side room when JONAS comes in).
JONAS
So you had something to tell me?
LORENZO
Yeah. You should probably sit
down for this one. (JONAS sits down). There’s a good chance
you’ll have to manage tomorrow.
JONAS
What? Why?
LORENZO
You heard that Pinchback is going
to fight a duel, right?
JONAS
Yeah.
LORENZO
Well I’m going to be his
second. Basically, that’s a guy who makes sure no one cheats.
Problem is, we all know Guffman’s going to cheat, we just don’t
know how.
(Interior. Day. LORENZO is
addressing his team, including JONAS).
LORENZO: First of all, I want to
congratulate you guys on a great season. Everything was against us
from day one. Our new draft pick was hurt. Our owner was rumored to
be a vampire and hadn’t been seen in years, our archrivals owned
the commissioner and the refs, and to top it all off, we had a new
manager who just so happened to be one of their former employees.
And now all you have to do is beat them on your own field and the
title is yours. But now there’s something else I have to tell you
guys. Some of you must already be thinking it so I’ll just confirm
the rumors now: yes, our owner is fighting a duel and yes I’m going
to be his second. It’s going to be several hours before the game,
but if I don’t make it back, then Jonas will be managing in my
place. I’ve come up with one of my usual novel-length game plans
and boiled it down to a cheat sheet so he can make better decisions
on the fly. I expect to be back, but even if I’m not, just know
that I died doing what I loved: revenge, and sword-fighting.
SCENE 7
(Exterior. Day. LORENZO and
PINCHBACK drive up and park at a small lot that is some distance away
from anything. They get out of the car and we see they are both
carrying pistols and swords).
PINCHBACK
How far is it?
LORENZO
Should be under a mile.
PINCHBACK
I thought you streetviewed this?
LORENZO
I did, but it doesn’t exactly
go where we need it to (gesturing towards the woods). Let’s just
concentrate on staying hidden.
(LORENZO and PINCHBACK trudge
through the woods for a good distance until they reach a clearing thy
seem satisfied is the spot).
LORENZO
Well, this is it.
PINCHBACK
Of course the coward’s late.
LORENZO
We should take cover anyway.
(They search for a place to do so). How long until we can declare
him a coward and go back to the game?
PINCHBACK
I don’t know.
LORENZO
Isn’t this a tradition in your
country?
PINCHBACK
Yeah, but this is my first time,
so be gentle. I’m not too familiar with that section of the rules.
(Cut to a shot of GUFFMAN and PLA
looking at PINCHBACK and LORENZO from a long way off).
PLA
How long are we gonna wait?
GUFFMAN
As long as we can before I get
declared a coward.
PLA
And when is that?
GUFFMAN
Beats me.
PLA
I’m surprised you haven’t
fought one of these before with all the enemies you have. (GUFFMAN
glares at him).
PLA
(holding his hands up)
I’m not saying they’re right,
but a lot of people can’t handle getting fired even when they
deserve it.
GUFFMAN
Yeah, which is why I made sure
nobody was able to deliver the challenge slap.
PLA
(trying to change the subject)
Why don’t we just shoot them
now?
GUFFMAN
You’re speaking my language,
but at this range? With these? (Indicating their antique pistols).
Stop distracting me before I lose sight of them.
(Cut back to PINCHBACK and
LORENZO. It is now a half an hour before game time, and they’d
need to leave immediately to make it in time).
LORENZO
Thirty minutes to game time. I
knew he’d pull something like this.
PINCHBACK
Didn’t you say you got someone
else to manage?
LORENZO
Yeah, but I wanted to kill
Guffman AND be there when we won the title.
PINCHBACK
Me too, but I hope you’re not
backing out.
LORENZO (unsheathing sword a
bit): My sword’s out, and it can’t be put back until it’s shed
blood.
SCENE 8
(Exterior. Day. The teams are
gathering for the decisive game. There is no sound though, except
for a voiceover).
PHIL
Hello everyone, and welcome to
the deciding game against Playground Legends. As always I’m joined
by DAVE and SCOTT. So, it all comes down to this. We’re
definitely going to win because of the curse I broke, but there are a
few reasons for concern. One is that Pinchback, Lorenzo, and Guffman
are all MIA even though the duel should’ve ended hours ago. DAVE,
is there anything else that has gone wrong?
DAVE
Since there’s no tomorrow for
Guffman, maybe literally, I think he’ll be up to his old tricks.
Bribing the ref, deliberately injuring players...nothing’s too
crazy.
PHIL
We also have a brand new addition
to the show this week: a sponsor. I think they should pay us an
entire season’s worth after all the work we did, but you take what
you can get. So without further ado, this week’s sponsor is
Gladiator Bookmakers. We’ll take bets on anything that draws
blood, and quite a few things that don’t. Gladiator: two thumbs
up. So SCOTT, give us the current odds.
SCOTT
Thanks PHIL. We have Playground
Legends to win at 3-1, the good guys to win at 7-1, the draw at 2-1
on, the ref being found to have been bribed in the Commissioner’s
opinion within a month at 10-1, my favorite...Guffman being killed in
the duel at 15-1, the same thing happening to Pinchback at 20-1, and
finally someone getting sent off in the first half at even odds.
PHIL
And here’s the kickoff.
Straight back by Goodyear, to Jukes...Trickle sprinting after him to
try and get it back...looks like their plan is to go at us hard right
out of the gate. (A few minutes ahead). Shot by Walby just missed!
And it’s deflected out for a corner. (Cut to a shot of it being
taken immediately). Corner swings in...there’s a mad scramble for
it in the box! Cleared off the line and eventually out by Bastable!
DAVE
If we can survive this without
conceding it’ll be a great boost to our chances. If Legends don’t
score soon I predict we’ll win. They won’t be on top the whole
game. (Cut to another scene with a vicious foul).
PHIL
And a vicious foul by
Cuddleforth! A karate kick right to the chest. (REF gives a
yellow_. And it’s only a yellow? Anyone with bets on a bribed ref
just got closer to collecting. (Cut to a corner).
PHIL
A Legends player boots it...and
it’s in! I’d tell you who it was, but it’s hard to tell and I
hate all their players. Halftime and we’re down 1-0.
SCENE 9
(Exterior. Day. GUFFMAN and PLA
are still observing when they see LORENZO and PINCHBACK walking away
through their binoculars).
GUFFMAN
I guess it’s time. (He and PLA
get up and start walking toward LORENZO and PINCHBACK).
GUFFMAN
(moving his hand to his pistol)
Hey! Vampire and McRapey!
(Cut to a scene of the four of
them standing in opposition to each other).
LORENZO
So I guess you guys know the
rules?
GUFFMAN
Oh look who’s all business now!
Let’s get it over with so I can go watch my team win another
title.
LORENZO
Aren’t you the ones who are
hours late? We were just about to leave and have you declared a
coward.
GUFFMAN
That’s not what I heard, but I
guess mistakes were made. By the way nice to see you again, Lorenzo.
(Reaction shot).
PLA: I just want to remind
everyone that this isn’t supposed to be fatal. Ten paces, then you
take your shot, then swords to first blood if you have to.
PINCHBACK
Sure. Then whatever happens
happens.
(PINCHBACK and GUFFMAN go back to
back and stand there awkwardly. Pistols drawn, patiently waiting for
a signal).
LORENZO
Just go already!
(They start pacing).
(Exterior. Day. It’s the game
again).
PHIL
Stops to Bebo...over to
Wainwright...into the box...and it’s in! 1-1!
(Exterior. Day. Back to the
duel. PINCHBACK and GUFFMAN reach the prescribed range and turn and
fire. Both miss, although GUFFMAN dives to his right and, when he
sees he’s missed, throws down a smoke bomb, which is far more
productive than anyone would’ve guessed. PINCHBACK draws his sword
and starts moving towards GUFFMAN’s last known position. LORENZO
also draws his sword).
LORENZO
What the hell is he doing now?
(Shot of GUFFMAN crouching behind
a tree. Smoke is everywhere. He’s trying to take deep breaths,
presumably to stave off fear, but he starts coughing a bit. We then
see a shot of PINCHBACK holding his sword in the ready position in
front of him and advancing. He soon locates GUFFMAN’s discarded
gun, and afterwards advances more confidently).
(Exterior. Day. The game again.
A LEGENDS player skies a shot out of the play, and begins arguing
with another LEGENDS player).
SCOTT
Can you get sent off for fighting
with your own team?
DAVE
You can. (The REF appears and
produces a red card).
PHIL
And they’re off! Best game
ever.
(LORENZO is wandering through the
smoke and is started by the sight of a tree branch, which he mistakes
for an enemy. Shot of PLA also wandering around. LORENZO appears
behind him).
LORENZO (sticking sword into
back): Let’s just let them fight it out.
PLA
(dropping sword)
Yeah, that’s probably better
for everyone.
(LORENZO starts searching PLA for
weapons).
LORENZO
He didn’t cheat did he?
PLA
What do you mean?
LORENZO
Did he bring any extra weapons?
PLA
Not that I know of. You’re not
gonna help him?
LORENZO
As much as I want revenge, it
just doesn’t seem right to me that I should do it.
(Cut back to the game. A LEGENDS
player runs over a BALL KICKERS player in the box and there’s a
penalty, which JONAS soon scores. Celebrations, etc.)
(The duel again. Shot of
PINCHBACK moving confidently through the smoke while GUFFMAN is
frightened of everything, rapidly looking for threats everywhere.
Eventually he trips over something and breaks a twig, which alerts
PINCHBACK to his location. Shot of PINCHBACK approaching GUFFMAN
from behind, who doesn’t see him despite seemingly looking in every
other humanly possible direction. PINCHBACK raises his sword).
(Cut to a shot of LORENZO and PLA
listening to the fan podcast guys’ commentary).
PHIL
The curse is over! Ball Kickers
win!
(They see PINCHBACK emerge from
the cloud of smoke, walking away from them. Celebration scenes from
the game. The episode ends with PINCHBACK just walking away and not
looking back).
No comments:
Post a Comment