Ball Kickers Episode 5

EPISODE 5

SCENE 1

(Interior. Day. LORENZO is shown alone in his room, and opens up his computer. We see on his screen that he has gone to Twitter, but then has a sudden realization once an alert saying ‘IT IS TIEM’ comes up, and picks up his phone to call a MASSIVE NERD, whose appearance shows how appropriate this description is).

NERD

Hello?

LORENZO

So do you have the stuff?

NERD

In the future can you please not call me? I put a lot of effort into avoiding people.

LORENZO

Usually, I would also rather avoid actually talking to you, but this is an urgent operation. I have the opportunity and I need to make it believable. So do you have it?

NERD

Yeah, give me a minute.

LORENZO

How long is that, really?

NERD

Look, you don’t need to worry. I’m an electro-wizard. (Affecting an accent) No one doubts my skill. If I say a minute, it’s maybe two minutes, tops.

LORENZO

You’re probably down to 90 seconds after that.

NERD

So how old were they supposed to be again?

LORENZO

The older the better.

NERD

I never thought you of all people would say that.

LORENZO

Maybe you want to be on the receiving end of this too.

NERD

Aaand they’re ready.

LORENZO

Great. Send me the info through the mail, ASAP. Doesn’t matter what it costs. And this conversation never happened.

NERD

You’re already dead to me.

LORENZO

Outstanding.

(LORENZO goes out to the mailbox, from which he retrieves a cardboard envelope marked ‘urgent.’ He quickly opens it up and looks at the contents and is very pleased. Returning to the computer, he starts typing. There’s a screenshot of a Twitter screen name, below which is the sentence ‘joined January 2009.’ This is followed by a shot of LORENZO typing the phrase, ‘during my time with Playground Legends, I learned that Guffman was transgender.’ Then another account that joined in August 2008 and the phrase ‘Guffman pays off the commissioner to look the other way on everything from drugs to refereeing decisions.’ Then August 2011 and ‘I don’t want to say how I know this, but Guffman has only one testicle. No wonder he lashes out at everyone.’ Shot of LORENZO satisfied with his handiwork.

SCENE 2

(Interior. Day. A shot of PLA looking at his computer. He scrolls down a bit, and apparently sees something that surprises him a little. He clicks, scrolls a little, clicks again, becoming more surprised all the while. Glancing toward the door, his relief is evident, but it’s clear that he’s racking his brains for a plan. Suddenly GUFFMAN makes a swift entrance).

GUFFMAN

See anything good?

PLA

Uhhh…

GUFFMAN

Look, just spit it out. You won’t go in the bowl.

PLA

(quickly becoming more relieved)

I just saw it a second ago but apparently there’s been a lot of leaks about you recently.

GUFFMAN

What? What sort of leaks?

PLA

I don’t even want to repeat them. I’ll just leave the site open for you.

(PLA gets up and GUFFMAN soon takes his place in the chair. He starts looking angry right away. There are a few clicks and after each one he only gets more intense).

GUFFMAN

Who could’ve done this?

PLA

They’re claiming to be players but I assume they just mean ex-players. Nobody actually on the team would do this.

GUFFMAN

Why not?

PLA

If they’re still here, why risk getting the Lorenzo treatment? The pay’s also pretty good.

GUFFMAN

What are our security procedures like?

PLA

Not that great.

GUFFMAN

(getting slightly angrier)

What do you mean not that great?

PLA

We’ve been picking people who can play, but as you know a lot of them still won’t work out. It’s the nature of the beast. We don’t try to find out who will keep their mouths shut.

GUFFMAN

Why not?

PLA

Well for one thing, what do they know anyway? Anybody can just make things up out of thin air like this. (A pause). So what do we do?

GUFFMAN

First of all, we need to watch our employees’ social media like a hawk. (PLA starts looking worried because he knows this’ll all be his responsibility). This is going to have to stay in-house for security reasons. You understand.

PLA

(only a little wary of going in the bowl at this point)

Yeah.

GUFFMAN

If you find anyone that looks particularly squirrelly, we can leak them some false info and see if it gets out.

PLA

Alright.

GUFFMAN

Also, offer a reward to anyone within the organization that turns someone else in.

PLA

If the leaker or leakers are still on the inside, that’s going to get ugly real fast.

GUFFMAN

To catch fish you gotta stir up the waters. Trust me on this.

(PLA turns away and still looks skeptical).

SCENE 3

(Exterior. Day. LORENZO is walking through a park, scanning the area and checking his phone now and then. First time, it’s 9 AM. It gets to 905, and he puts headphones on. 910, and he slumps down on the bench on which they were supposed to meet and starts reading a book. By 930, he gets up and starts reading a book. By 930, he gets up and starts walking away when PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR approaches him dressed in a ghillie suit).

PI

Ahoy.

LORENZO

(startled, since he was approached from behind)

What took you so long? You said 9.

PI

I had to make sure you weren’t followed. If you want it bad enough, you’ll wait.

LORENZO

And?

PI

Thirty minutes. I can live with that.

LORENZO

So what do you have for me?

PI

We might have a way of getting to the commissioner.

LORENZO

Well yeah, he lets Guffman get away with anything.

PI

Yeah, but there’s a big difference between what you know and what you can prove, and even if you could prove something, who cares?

LORENZO

So what do we do?

PI

We start telling him what to do instead.

LORENZO

(disappointed)

I don’t want to get into a bidding war with Guffman, not even with someone else’s money.

PI

Come on, I thought you were more curious than that! Haven’t you ever wondered why nobody’s ever been able to find payoffs, texts, emails, or anything like that?

LORENZO

Yeah, but I don’t have time to do that kind of surveillance myself.

PI

First of all, it’s entirely done in cash. But second, nobody can find texts or email because there aren’t any.

LORENZO: So what do they do? Meet in a car in the middle of nowhere? Talk on a park bench wearing ghillie suits?

PI

All their messages are hand-delivered. I’ve seen the couriers.

LORENZO

Is it a different guy every time then?

PI

Yeah, it’s a new guy every time that I’ve seen. No idea where he finds them.

LORENZO

So intercepting the messenger’s out.

PI

Yeah.

LORENZO

How about drones, or cameras to read the messages?

PI

Nah, drones are no good.

LORENZO

Why? I’ve heard the military has bug-sized drones powered by radioactive nickel isotopes or something. There has to be something just as small on the civilian market.

PI

Well if there is, I’ve never seen it. Please let me know if you find any though.

LORENZO

Fine. Get a normal-sized drone.

PI

Anything small probably isn’t going to be stable enough to point a camera in a given direction for any length of time. And bigger drones will just get noticed.

LORENZO

So? You could fly it way up high so that you could see for blocks. He’ll never know you were watching him in particular.

PI

Nah, too hard to control, I think.

LORENZO

OK, wait until he leaves and the plant cameras around his house.

PI

Only if you do it.

LORENZO

You want the framed pedophile to plant cameras in a residential area? Do you want to do this or not?

PI

Why don’t we just hack his phone then?

LORENZO

What good would that do? You just said they’re not texting or emailing anything.

PI

No I mean take over its camera.

LORENZO

You can do that?

PI

Yeah, happens all the time. I’ll get close to his house—even driving past would be fine—and find out what I can about devices in the area. Then, unless he’s really careful about security, it’s only a matter of time before we get in. And why would he care so much about security? All the important stuff is coming in on paper. If that doesn’t work, we can do the same thing for any other webcams he might have.

LORENZO

I say we get over there right now.

PI

Alright, but first let me change into something a little less conspicuous.

LORENZO

You could always ride in the trunk.

PI

A) You better pray we don’t get pulled over, and B) we will, because I’ll kill you.

(Cut to a shot of PI and LORENZO waiting outside GUFFMAN’S house).

LORENZO

I’m telling you, we should’ve just hacked something to find out where the commissioner lives. This is making me nervous.

PI

The whole reason we’re doing it like this is because there’s nothing to hack!

LORENZO

So you’re saying he uses a new guy every time. How does he find them? Does he wait until he sees someone he likes and then hands them something saying ‘you’re the chosen one come work for me?’

PI

Doesn’t matter. He’s leaving the house now.

(Shot of COURIER getting in his car and driving along. After a few turns, he starts looking in the rear view mirror as though he suspects he’s being followed).

LORENZO

Do you think he’s onto us?

PI

Doubt it, but if he is, we’ll just follow the next guy. It’s not like Guffman’s going anywhere. Make sure you’ve got the route tracker on and capture the network names.

(A few more seconds of the ‘pursuit.’ COURIER pulls in at the COMMISSIONER’S house as though he suspected nothing, although he does look back at them. They just keep driving; they have what they need).

SCENE 4

(Interior. Day. PLA is outside GUFFMAN’s office, and shouting can be heard: GUFFMAN is accusing MANAGER of being a leaker, and MANAGER is denying it. PLA opens the door, and GUFFMAN is dangling a piece of paper above the bowl, obviously with MANAGER’s name on it).

PLA

Is this a bad time?

GUFFMAN

It depends. Did you find any leakers?

PLA

No.

GUFFMAN (to MANAGER)

OK, you’re off the hook for now.

(MANAGER leaves, shaking his head, closing the door behind him).

GUFFMAN

Now we just wait for the guilty parties to wander into the trap, and reveal their lies for what they are.

(Shot of GUFFMAN tweeting: ‘Launching a new plan to take down Pinchback once and for all’).

SCENE 5

(Interior. Early morning. It’s Guffman’s bedroom, and GUFFMAN is just waking up. The very first thing he does is reach for his phone and check his Twitter. In response to his tweet ‘Launching a new plan to take down Pinchback once and for all,’ there are several insults. ‘Playground Legends can only win by spending more money and bribing the refs,’ ‘Guffman fires all his managers like he’s trying to prove he can only win by spending,’ ‘I head Guffman uses Sugar Baby websites, but they turned him down and went to Pinchback’s house instead.’ GUFFMAN opens every one of these ‘harassing’ tweets and begins reporting them one by one, writing: ‘The failure of Twitter to protect its power uses from the threats of cyberviolence and harassment is utterly shameful. Fewer than one percent of Twitter users have accumulated the number of followers that I have. If they are kept from hearing what I have to say, they may leave the service. They lose. I lose. Twitter loses. And what is gained?

(Interior. Day. The fan podcast recording studio. Everyone is there and ready to record, as well as EDDY GORNE, who is an ex-manager of Playground Legends).

PHIL

Hello everyone, and welcome to the Picked Last Podcast. I’m your host PHIL, joined as always by DAVE and SCOTT. On paper, today’s show is the worst we’ve ever done. Yes, even worse than the incompetent analysis of the team masked by too many gay jokes. The real reason is that we have a former manager on the show. I know you just thought ‘choke artist,’ but it’s worse. Despite his former employer, we all think you’re going to want to hear what he has to say. There’s been a lot said lately about which leaks are true and which aren’t, but when it comes to confirming them, I think you’ll all want to hear what this guy has to say. So if anyone’s still listening, please welcome to the show former Playground Legends manager Eddy Gorne.

EDDY

Glad to be here.

PHIL

So first thing’s first, please let the listeners know how you came to be on this show and not some Playground Legends podcast.

EDDY

Well, if you’ve been following the league at all, you know that Playground Legends managers don’t last very long. But there’s a whole lot more you don’t know about Guffman’s background and how he does business. And I thought now was the best time to come forward, since Picked Last has the best chance of finally dethroning Guffman that I’ve seen.

PHIL

So since your tenure was pretty brief, why don’t we start there before we get ot the Guffman stuff.

EDDY

Well, Guffman hired me in August 2009, but I was only with the team for about six weeks. The timing should have been the first clue that something was wrong, even by crazy owner standards, because you need a lot more time to get ready for a season. But, more than that, in 2009, Twitter and other sites like it weren’t as big as they are now, so it was tougher to find the rumors. Plus, the old managers, players, and employees Guffman fired weren’t talking because that would’ve made it even worse.

PHIL

So what is it that you know about Guffman’s background?

EDDY

I hope this isn’t peaking too early, but have you ever read The Game by Neil Strauss?

PHIL

Yeah.

DAVE

Are you about to tell us that Guffman tried to become a pickup artist?

EDDY

No, but the truth is a lot weirder. But we’ll get to that. Anyway, do you remember how in the book Style and friends went to an eastern European country that doesn’t exist on any map, but is nonetheless a reality once you hit a border control? That’s the kind of place Guffman is from and is ‘nobility’ of.

SCOTT

That’s not exactly a deep dark secret.

PHIL

He’s right, it’s no ‘Luke I am your father.’

EDDY

You guys haven’t realized the most important thing about this. There’s not much government or law enforcement over there to speak of, so a lot of times people have to take matters into their own hands. Especially someone like Guffman, whose money made him a target.

PHIL

So what went down over there?

EDDY

The first leak I want to confirm is that Guffman only has one ball.

(Everyone else in the room winces).

DAVE

How’d that happen? Besides Hitler losing one ball in the horrors of the western front, and Scott Dann rupturing a testicle during a game, I’ve never heard of this.

EDDY

If someone disrespects you over there, and you’re rich, you have to challenge him to a duel or lose everything.

SCOTT

So Guffman got a ball whacked off with a sword?

EDDY

All I know is, one day I was looking through some medical reports, and stumbled upon his by mistake. At first I was just looking for something that would explain a rage problem, some sort of mental issue. But I guess you could say I found it.

DAVE

Guffman is the new Hitler confirmed.

PHIL

OK, so that’s one leak confirmed. Now on a more serious note, you told me before the show that you had some details on how Guffman managed his team.

EDDY

Right. So for some reason, Guffman insists that we have to go on a scouting trip to China. This was back in 2008 or so. So we waited in line forever before we got a table at Pizza Hut, which is something that happens over there, and he says: ‘Can I trust you with a secret, Eddy? I doubt anyone here knows who we are, if they even understand us.’ ‘Sure,’ I said. ‘You swear never to tell?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘Really?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘OK, that’s three times, which means it’s for real.’ And he tells me that (imitating Guffman) I’m really inspired by the way old school Chinese emperors were able to get so much done.

PHIL

That sounds ominous.

EDDY: Yeah, then he starts telling me about the 80/20 principle, and that 80% of anything is crap, and I think I’m about to get fired. After we got back, he started spending like crazy on players because he said that since it’s a lot easier to fire a manager than get a whole new team, why not have some fun with it? That’s when he came up with the idea of the bowl. If you did anything that pissed him off, your name went in the bowl for a random drawing. There was no way to get your name taken out, and if it got drawn, getting fired or sold was what would happen if you were lucky.

PHIL

So this is probably what happened to Lorenzo?

EDDY

Yeah.

DAVE

How did he decide when to do a drawing?
EDDY

Nobody knows.

SCOTT

Do you have any other stories for us?

EDDY

Oh yeah, we could be here all day.

PHIL

Well this podcast is only supposed to be 50 minutes tops so how about you just give us the best one and then we’ll do an extended interview and post it on the website later.

EDDY

OK. Well another time, Guffman has some dispute with another owner—I don’t know whether this is related to the testicle thing—and a talk show invited him and Guffman on to try and reconcile them, or at least spark some fireworks. So Guffman launches into his whole rant about how this other guy is the son of a whore who must be beaten for insulting a gentleman and so on, and then when he’s done, the other guy just says ‘are you a gay?’ And Guffman just looked shocked and tried to change the subject, but the other guy just kept saying it over and over.

PHIL

That must be a great video.

GORNE

If anyone had it, yeah. I’ve looked everywhere.

PHIL

So what happened next?

GORNE

They started a fight right there and then, but the video cut out before the end. Eventually though, Guffman fled the country.

PHIL

Just over a fight with another chairman?

GORNE

Well like I said, he’s nobility over there or something. Maybe they have some sort of code that meant he had to go.

PHIL

That’s about all the time we have for this podcast, but is there anything we, or maybe the listeners, could do to help you find that video?

GORNE

No, unless you know somebody who works at the state TV station over there. Maybe there’s a tape sitting in a vault over there or something.

DAVE

I still can’t believe this isn’t on Youtube.

GORNE

Well, sometimes there are weird gaps in the media like that. For example, there’s a guy who has the only known recording of Super Bowl I, but the NFL won’t pay up, so nobody’s ever seen it.

PHIL

We’ll get our team of nerds on it anyway. Thanks for coming on the show.

GORNE:

Any time. As long as Guffman doesn’t get to me.

SCENE 6

(That night, PI, to accompanying dramatic music, logs onto his computer. He looks at the map of the route they took and the network names they gathered along the way. Scrolling through, he comes across the network ‘PLAYGROUND LEGENDS 4 LIFE.’)

PI

Commissioner, is that you?

(PI starts a program called ‘Icepick’ and executes what looks like a brute force attack, and he’s in. Then he has access to the camera. He sees COMMISSIONER counting money, after which he starts reading a note, but the camera can’t see the written side. The COMMISSIONER then puts it down and leaves the room. It’s a bit of a bad angle, but PI quickly takes screenshots, after which COMMISSIONER comes back and closes the laptop. PI rotates the image and enhances it. On the page, typed in the Haettenschweiler font, the words ‘we know he tested positive for everything in the book, but approve the test anyway’ are visible. PI immediately picks up the phone in order to call LORENZO).

PI

We got ‘em.
SCENE 7

(Interior. Day. PLA enters Guffman’s office to find GUFFMAN there, just staring off into space. He soon picks up a nearby, hitherto-unseen knife and starts stabbing between his fingers).

GUFFMAN

So do you have any ideas on this?

PLA

(cautiously)

Well I think this actually isn’t that bad. (He realizes that he probably shouldn’t have said that, but GUFFMAN doesn’t blow up at him like he thought he might). Since this isn’t going to court or anything like that, anyone who believes Gorne already hated us, and anyone who doubts him was on our side to begin with. It’s too late to release anything to discredit him even though he’s a lying liar, so the best thing to do is try and identify potential leak sources down the road and leak things ourselves that will either discredit them or make whatever they have to say seem unimportant.

GUFFMAN

The whole hiring and firing thing is more my forte, but yeah, that sounds good. Do that then. As long as we can win our next game I’ll be able to forget about this in a day or two anyway.

SCENE 8

(Exterior. Day. A remote wooded area similar to the one in which LORENZO and PI met in a previous episode. LORENZO and PI are in PI’s car discussing plans).

LORENZO

So that’s all you got? A couple lines about a faked drug test?

PI

Yeah.

LORENZO

What does that change? Everyone already knew that, they just couldn’t prove it. And who could we tell? It’s not like the commissioner would care.

PI

Why not threaten to leave the league so that Guffman’s just playing with himself?

LORENZO

It wouldn’t matter. They’d probably just forfeit all our games.

PI

There has to be a line that even Guffman can’t cross.

(There’s a short silence. Then inspiration strikes LORENZO).

LORENZO

How much are we paying you for this?

PI

Not enough, now that I think about it.

LORENZO

So you could get by without this assignment?

PI

I’m amazing. I don’t need this job at all.

LORENZO

Great.

PI

You don’t like the work I’m doing?

LORENZO

I just figured out how you can win the league for us. But if you do this, you can never work for me again.

SCENE 9

USIL League Table

Week 19

1. Playground Legends (36 points, 39 GD)

2. Ball Kickers (34 points, 27 GD)

15. #freegodfrey (17 points, -2 GD)

16. Cell Block D (17 points, -9 GD)

(Exterior. Evening. A soccer field. PLAYGROUND LEGENDS MANAGER is addressing his players when PI approaches them).

PLM

So obviously we shouldn’t have much trouble beating these guys.

(PLM and some of his players notice PI, who they do not recognize, approaching in the distance).

PLAYGROUND LEGENDS PLAYER

Who’s that?

PLM

No idea.

(PI has now reached the group).

PLM

Can I help you?

PI

(to PLM, looking him right in the eyes)

I knew it was you. You’re fired.

PLM

What?

PI

Guffman wants you gone. (He hands PLM a typed note. Make sure the font is visible).

(PLM crumples the note, throws it on the ground, and walks away shaking his head, as PI is seen talking to PLAYERS).

(PI picks up the note and puts it in his pocket, as the players start looking at each other dubiously).

PI

Getting fired is no excuse for littering.

PLP

Who are you?

PI: I’m your new manager.

PLP

Prove it.

PI

If you don’t believe me, why don’t you go ask him? We don’t have much time. I’m sure you all know about the leaks, so Guffman has told me to send a special eff you to the opposition tonight. So here’s the plan.

(The game begins with some pretty mundane action, that is until the ball enters Great Balls of Fire’s eighteen yard box. Shot of PI looking around to double-check his escape routes. Then, a PLP picks up the ball, runs right up to the Great Balls of Fire’s net, and flings it into the goal. The GBF players are in disbelief. A few of them begin arguing with the REFEREE, but he says it’s a good goal. Shot of PI beginning to walk away towards the parking lot, but since there are no nearby trees or hills he can’t do so unseen. The GBF manager silently instructs his players to leave the field as the game has turned into a total farce. One of the PLPs points out that PI is trying to escape, points to him, yells something that the audience can’t hear, and starts running after him, but PI has too big a lead. A car pulls up, into which PI jumps. It speeds away, well before any PLP can catch up to it).