EPISODE
6
SCENE
1
(Exterior.
Day. It’s the 1997 season. A group of BALL KICKERS PLAYERS are
seen practicing, with MANAGER nearby. One of them soon makes a
mistake, though, and one of the other frustrated players fires the
ball back at him, which he fails to trap).
PLAYER
1
(belligerently)
Josh
would’ve trapped that.
PLAYER
2
Yeah?
Well he’s not here anymore.
PLAYER
1
He’s
gonna be back. As long as he can still walk, you’ll always be a
pine jockey.
PLAYER
2
What
difference does it make anyway? Focus on your own game.
(PLAYER
1 glares at PLAYER 2 and makes a threatening gesture like he wants to
fight him, and PLAYER 3 and PLAYER 4 act as though they’re about to
hold him back, but it’s all just an act).
PLAYER
2
Really?
Getting people to fake hold you back now?
MANAGER
OK,
practice was almost over anyway. Everyone go home. But if you two
don’t sort this out, I’m benching you both.
(Cut
to a shot of PLAYER 3 at his car in the parking lot when PLAYER 4
approaches him).
PLAYER
4
Can
you believe that?
PLAYER
3
(shaking
his head)
Yeah,
we have to get back on track before the title slips away, and they’re
doing stupid stuff like that.
(Shot
from just behind the gnome statue in PLAYER 3’s car in which you
can see PLAYER 4’s reaction to the interaction between PLAYER 1 and
PLAYER 2).
PLAYER
4
Hey
what’s that in there?
PLAYER 3
PLAYER 3
(looking
over)
Oh
just a garden gnome.
PLAYER
1
(loudly,
as he comes into view)
Sounds
pretty gay!
PLAYER
3
What’s
gay about gnomes?
PLAYER
1
(intense)
I
don’t mean it’s actually gay, it’s just...gay.
PLAYER
3
Thanks
for that.
PLAYER
4
You
gonna start bringing it to all the games too now?
PLAYER
1
(intense)
That’s
a great idea. It can be our mascot. You’re bringing it to all
games now.
PLAYER
3
Fine.
If it’ll get you to shut up sometimes.
(Cut
to a montage of game scenes in which everything goes well for Ball
Kickers. At first, they are ten points behind Playground Legends
with 13 games to play. Then, put a partial league table on the
screen on which they are seven down with ten to go, then four with
six, tied with two left, and finally champions due to Legends’ 1-1
draw with Ashley on the last day of the season. Shot of Ball Kickers
players celebrating, then a shot of the gnome on the sidelines.
PLAYER 1 goes over to retrieve it and you can tell that all the
players acknowledge their belief that the gnome somehow played a
role).
************LEAGUE
TABLE HERE****************
SCENE
2
(Exterior.
Day. LORENZO is knocking on the door of DAVE’s house. He soon
answers).
DAVE
Wow,
Lorenzo?
LORENZO
Let
me in quick please. I shouldn’t be seen here. (DAVE acquiesces.
They sit down).
DAVE
So
what can I do for you?
LORENZO
You
heard what Legends did last night, right?
DAVE
DAVE
Yeah.
LORENZO
(suddenly
turning very serious)
How
much are you willing to do to help the team?
DAVE
What
do I have to do?
LORENZO
Good
answer. Would it bother you if your friend PHIL didn’t like what
you were doing?
DAVE
Actually,
that would probably be a positive at this point.
LORENZO
Great.
I’m hearing rumors that Playground Legends are going to get a
points deduction as a result of their little stunt last night, and I
need you to negotiate the amount of the deduction for me with Guffman
and reps from the other teams.
DAVE
Wow,
really? Why me?
LORENZO
Well
I’m not doing it. I couldn’t even stand to be in the same room
as Guffman, for reasons I hope are obvious.
DAVE
So
how many points do you expect me to get out of this? Do we have any
other dirt on them?
LORENZO
The
max penalty is ten points for bringing the game into disrepute, but
the truth is I’d be happy with any result. We can beat them either
way.
DAVE
So
do you have any advice for me?
LORENZO
Whoever’s
more willing to walk away is gonna win, and they’re in the wrong,
so don’t cave. If you want to concede a few points in exchange for
humiliating them somehow, that’s fine too.
DAVE
Alright.
LORENZO
OK,
well, I gotta get out of here.
DAVE
PHIL
is really gonna hate this.
LORENZO
Yeah,
that guy’s kind of a dick. I know you won’t let me down though.
See you later. (LORENZO starts looking at his phone. It’s showing
the exterior of the house).
DAVE
Wait,
how are you seeing out there?
LORENZO
I
set up a camera out there just before I came in. Can’t be too
careful.
(LORENZO
is swiftly out the door).
SCENE
3
(Interior.
Day. Fan Podcast studio. There is a show going on).
PHIL
Now
for our next segment, I have to subject DAVE to abject humiliation,
even more so than usual, for holding some really stupid opinions, or
in other words, disagreeing with me. As you are all no doubt aware,
last week Playground Legends were humiliated when someone pretending
to be their new manager convinced one of the players to pick up the
ball, run with it, and throw it into the goal. A few slaps on the
wrist, biased refereeing decisions, and game-ending protests later,
Legends are facing a 10-point deduction. Not only was this
hilarious, but the fact that Legends are finally getting what’s
coming to them proves that I ended the curse weeks ago, but DAVE
thinks we’re still doomed. So DAVE, tell us why you think these
crazy things, and I’ll tell you why you’re wrong.
DAVE
Bad
things happening to Legends doesn’t prove anything when there are
at least two other things that might be cursing us, and Jonas is
still injured.
PHIL
OK,
now for the reasons why you’re wrong, and also a moron. The reason
there’s no curse anymore is because I broke it. Before I found
Sanderson, Legends had never been held accountable. Now they’re
facing a deduction that will almost certainly give us the title.
Two, Jonas is still injured for the same reason anyone gets injured,
not because of a curse. And three, I know the statue’s your pet
theory, but I don’t recognize garden gnomes’ ability to influence
anything.
DAVE
I
still disagree.
PHIL
Well,
you’re wrong. Now on to the next segment.
DAVE
First,
I have an announcement to make.
SCOTT
Is
this about gnomes?
DAVE
As
you said, Legends are facing a points deduction after the debacle
last week, and I’m going to be negotiating for our side.
PHIL
You?!
I can get why Pinchback’s not doing it, but why not Lorenzo? Why
not me?
DAVE
Lorenzo
doesn’t even want to be in the same room as Guffman. Besides, if
we’re uncursed, like you say, then you have nothing to worry about,
right?
PHIL
That’s
not how curses work. There just isn’t anything holding us back
anymore. It’s not a guarantee.
DAVE
Well
you can always ask him to change his mind. I got the impression you
guys have met before.
SCENE
4
(Interior.
Night. DAVE is packing up his things from the day’s show).
PHIL
So
have you decided what your plan for the negotiations is?
DAVE
Sort
of. But why would I tell you?
PHIL
I’m
just saying, instead of any curse-related stuff, maybe you should
just stick to the points.
DAVE
But
as you keep saying, you uncursed us, so it doesn’t matter what I
do. Besides, if Lorenzo was going to replace me, he’s out of time,
and options. See you next time. (DAVE leaves without saying another
word).
(PHIL
stands around pondering what to do next. He soon has a sudden flash
of inspiration and picks up some laxatives from around the house).
(Exterior.
The next day. We see DAVE about to leave his house, holding an
uncovered drink. PHIL gets out of his car to greet him, but we see
him pick up the laxatives first).
DAVE
What
are you doing here? (Puts a lid on his drink).
PHIL
(deflating
a bit after noting the covered drink)
Uhhh...thought
I forgot something but I just now realized where I left it.
DAVE
OK.
Well, I gotta go.
PHIL
OK.
Good luck.
DAVE
Thanks.
(Gets in his car and leaves).
PHIL
(takes
out his phone and begins to send GUFFMAN a direct message on twitter:
‘I have information on the Ball Kickers negotiator that you need to
hear right away.’ We see a followup screen in which the message is
an hour old, but there’s no reply).
SCENE
5
(Interior.
Day. COMMISSIONER, GUFFMAN, PL ASSISTANT, and DAVE are seated in
one of the rooms of COMMISSIONER’S house, as well as a GREAT BALLS
OF FIRE REP).
COMMISSIONER
Thank
you all for coming. As you know, the maximum penalty for last week’s
incident is a ten-point deduction (quickly gauges GUFFMAN’S
reaction; he appears indifferent and has PLA pour him a drink
mid-sentence), though Playground Legends counter that it was a setup
and Ball Kickers were involved. Nonetheless, Legends evidently
thought they could get away with it, which brings the game into
disrepute. So we’ll go ahead with the deduction (checks reaction
again; same response) unless there are objections.
PLA
We
object.
COMMISSIONER
OK,
what’s your offer?
PLA
First
of all, we want to know what he (meaning DAVE) is doing here.
DAVE
As
you know, our owner is very sick, and Lorenzo can’t stand to be in
the same room as him (shot of GUFFMAN smiling), so they decided on
me.
PLA
So
you’re not just jerking us around? You can actually make
decisions?
DAVE
Yeah.
In fact, Lorenzo says he doesn’t even need the points to beat you.
PLA
Fine,
our proposal is that we deduct no points, and you apologize to
Guffman for interrupting his afternoon.
DAVE
Even
if you guys weasel out of this one, do you expect people to believe
you’ve never done anything wrong? Your players are probably
injecting themselves with every DNA-related molecule under the sun,
and yet nobody ever gets caught. You’ve probably been paying this
guy (he indicates the COMMISSIONER) off for years. Then again, if he
managed to get money out of you rather than giving into blackmail or
being framed or something, that’s actually pretty impressive.
PLA
Oh
yeah? Who’s that guy that pretended to be our manager?
DAVE
How
should I know?
PLA
I
bet Lorenzo sent you just so he wouldn’t have to answer questions
about it.
DAVE
You
don’t believe he actually hates you? Nobody he hired made your
players do anything.
PLA
I
think our side is going to confer in the next room. We’ve
obviously reached an impasse here.
(PLA
and GUFFMAN go to the next room).
PLA
Should
we just walk?
GUFFMAN
Unfortunately
I think he’s right. Replacing the commissioner this late in the
season would be too obvious. All the other teams would just walk
out. We’ll have to see if there’s something this guy wants. And
I think I know.
(PLA
and GUFFMAN return).
PLA
We
still think ten points is excessive, especially since your team was
probably involved. But we think we can offer you something in return
for a lesser penalty.
DAVE
You’re
trying to bribe me?
PLA
(to
COMMISSIONER)
Remember
that he said that, not us. (DAVE) Actually, I listen to your show.
We have the statue.
DAVE
What?
PLA
Think
about it. Who were you playing right before it disappeared?
DAVE
How
do I know you’re for real?
PLA
We
don’t have a guy holding it hostage right now or anything, but
let’s say we agree to a one point deduction contingent on the
delivery of the statue. Does that sound good to you?
DAVE
One
point? You have to be joking (gets up to leave).
PLA
So
you don’t mind being cursed? (DAVE keeps walking). Alright, three
points!
(DAVE
sits back down).
DAVE
Seven
points?
PLA:
What? That’s barely anything.
DAVE
Well
you have to give the rest of them enough so that they don’t all
walk out in protest.
PLA
Alright.
Five points and the statue.
(General
chatter beings among the negotiators).
(Everyone
starts getting up, and soon DAVE is one of them. He goes and shakes
PLA’s hand).
DAVE
Nice
doing business with you. So when can I get the statue?
PLA
We’re
busy updating his coat of arms, shopping for antique pistols, and
polishing his rapiers today, but come by the house tomorrow.
DAVE
Sounds
like you two have a fascinating day planned. I wouldn’t want to
keep you.
PLA
Nothing
gets in the way of a good sword polishing.
SCENE
6
(Exterior.
Day. DAVE is observed pulling up to GUFFMAN’S house. He gets out
of the car quite a distance away and manages to get 10-20 yards
before a man in fencing equipment approaches him. The FENCER extends
his foil towards him).
FENCER
En
garde!
DAVE
(raising
his hands)
You
win.
FENCER
What
are you doing here?
DAVE
I’m
here to collect the statue.
FENCER
What
statue?
DAVE
The
one he agreed to give back to me in the deal we just made. Who are
you?
FENCER
I’m
Gordon’s fencing instructor. I haven’t heard him mention
anything about a statue.
DAVE
Well
can you let him know I’m here please?
FENCER
He
really doesn’t want to be disturbed right now. Maybe someone else
could bring it out to you?
DAVE
Yeah
actually that might be better.
(FENCER
leaves. Ten minutes pass. Then PLA comes into view).
PLA
Hey,
sorry. I can’t give it to you right now.
DAVE
But
this was your suggestion.
PLA
Yeah,
well I didn’t expect Guffman to schedule an entire day of
spontaneous fencing instruction.
DAVE
Why
don’t you just get it yourself and bring it to me?
PLA
You
want me to go into Guffman’s vault unauthorized and steal the
statue? Do you want me to wash up on a beach with all my limbs
hacked off?
(While
this is going on, cut to a shot of GUFFMAN and FENCER listening in.
FENCER is holding up his phone on speaker mode while wearing his
mask, and in the meantime GUFFMAN is smiling and slashing with his
sword).
DAVE
Actually
that doesn’t sound too bad right now.
PLA
You
better pray nothing happens to me now. I bet he has mics and cameras
everywhere. If I’m found dead in the vault after an inventory
accident, it’s your ass.
DAVE
You
say all these crazy things, but all I hear is that you’d rather
renegotiate the deal and maybe lose all ten points.
PLA
(sarcastically)
Sounds
like you’ve got us by the balls. Alright, come back tomorrow. As
soon as Guffman can fence no more I’ll get him to let me into the
vault, and Picked Last will be uncursed.
DAVE
Alright,
thanks.
SCENE
7
(Exterior.
Day. PHIL gets out of his car near the FORTUNE TELLER’s and looks
intent on not being recognized. After a few furtive glances he
quickly goes inside).
FORTUNE
TELLER
How
can I help you?
PHIL
Do
you curse people?
FORTUNE
TELLER
It
doesn’t say ‘curser’ on the sign, does it? If it does, I
really need to get it changed.
PHIL
I
was just trying to read between the lines. You know, massage isn’t
really massage, pizza isn’t really pizza…
FORTUNE
TELLER
If
I used my powers for evil, I could never live with myself. And I
would probably get shut down. Those in the know do take what I do
seriously.
PHIL
And
what powers are those?
FORTUNE
TELLER
Imagine
you had eyes and ears everywhere right now. Not psychic powers, or
X-Ray vision, but eyes and ears. That’s me.
PHIL
Then
by any chance, can you tell me how a certain meeting went today?
FORTUNE
TELLER
The
soccer league one?
PHIL
How’d
you know?
FORTUNE
TELLER
Let’s
just say I’ve received a few requests related to that whole thing
over the years. Anyway, the agreement was for five points and the
statue. That’s all I can tell you.
PHIL
Can
you tell me anything on about where it’s changing hands?
FORTUNE
TELLER
I
really shouldn’t, because who knows what you would do to stop it.
But, I think you already know where that would be.
SCENE
8
(Exterior.
Day. DAVE pulls up to GUFFMAN’s house again and is walking
towards it when he’s stopped by PLA coming towards him).
DAVE
(getting
annoyed)
What
is it this time? Underwater basketweaving? Symphonic composition?
Antiquing?
PLA
Actually,
Lord Guffman is in very sensitive talks to acquire a major religious
relic. They’re still in the verification stages.
DAVE
Oh
yeah? What relic is that, the True Cross? The Holy Grail?
PLA
What
is this, twenty questions?
(The
door of the house suddenly opens, and is loudly shut as GUFFMAN jogs
out of the house carrying a statue, though obviously not the one DAVE
wants).
GUFFMAN
Is
this it?
DAVE
Uhh...no.
GUFFMAN
Well
what’s it look like?
DAVE
It’s
a gnome.
GUFFMAN
Isn’t
this a gnome?
DAVE
No,
that’s a terracotta warrior. Do you actually have it?
GUFFMAN
Maybe?
I mean I have thousands of statues to protect me in the afterlife
like the Chinese Emperor Qin Shi Huangdi. Searching through them
will take days.
DAVE
So
you have gnomes in that army? You know, short, bearded, with pointy
red hats.
GUFFMAN
I
think so. If I don’t, someone’s getting fired. What if I need
to fight goblins or something in the netherworld?
DAVE
Look,
are you just messing with me or what?
GUFFMAN
(starting
to smirk and look at PLA)
Oh
no, we’ll definitely look through everything and I’ll let you
know as soon as we find something. Now get off my property before
you end up on a sex offenders’ registry.
DAVE
(starts
backing away)
If
you don’t give it back the deal’s off, remember?
GUFFMAN
(mimes
using a phone)
Yes,
officer? There’s someone over here and I saw him touching some
kids. You should get out here now. (Waves).
(DAVE
starts walking back to his car, shaking his head).
SCENE
9
(Interior.
Day. JONAS is just on his computer when he gets a call from
LORENZO).
LORENZO
(on
the phone)
You
ready to roll?
JONAS
Where
are we going?
LORENZO
I
finally found a doctor that will see you.
JONAS
How
far do we have to go?
LORENZO
Well,
you’ll be home today. That’s all I can promise you.
JONAS
I
really wish we had a team doctor that could do this sort of thing.
Then you probably wouldn’t have to worry about Guffman scaring them
all away.
LORENZO
Yeah,
well I have to play the hand I was dealt.
JONAS
So
the current guy is the only one who will work with us?
LORENZO
Well,
I checked all the local knee specialists, which guys with cursed
knees like you definitely need, and none of them were available. So
we might as well stay with what we’ve got.
JONAS
OK.
So how soon are you going to be here?
LORENZO
Check
outside.
JONAS
You
probably shouldn’t use the phone while driving.
LORENZO
Come
on, that would mean you’d have to wait. Don’t tell me you want
to wait.
JONAS
I
think I could handle it.
SCENE
10
(Interior.
Night. DAVE’s house. He comes in and plops down in his seat,
exasperated, and thinks for a short time what to do next. Then he
gets a sudden burst of inspiration and opens up his laptop and starts
typing. A few clicks and he starts looking at the screen intently,
though the viewer still can’t see what he’s reading. Cut to a
shot of his screen, which is a wikipedia page the reads ‘List of
Punishment Methods.’)
DAVE
Interesting.
(Interior.
Day. DAVE’s house again. He comes home carrying newspapers,
chicken wire, glue (or whatever is used to make the adhesive for
papier-mache) and paint. He lays down the plastic, constructs a
Guffman-sized figure from the wire, and starts painting it to
resemble him. The final step is the addition of a board fixed to his
back, the end of which will be struck into the ground on Guffman’s
lawn, and grasps the board close to the ground in preparation for
sticking it into the ground. Cut to an interior shot of GUFFMAN’s
house).
PLA
(to
GUFFMAN)
What’s
that sir?
(Cut
to a shot close to DAVE of him lighting the effigy on fire and
standing off to the side, staring at the window from which PLA is
watching while it burns. While PLA is watching, he raises a sign to
the air: ‘you did this.’) Then he walks away and gets in his car
and drives off.
SCENE
11
(Interior.
Day. LORENZO and JONAS are in the DOCTOR’s examination room,
presumably waiting for him to come back out and issue a diagnosis.
The DOCTOR soon comes back in, holding a chart).
DOCTOR
Long
story short, you’re going to be fine.
JONAS
Fine
in the next couple of weeks?
DOCTOR
All
you’ve got is a sprain as far as I can tell.
LORENZO
As
far as you can tell?
DOCTOR
Normally
I wouldn’t say that, but it seems so simple that I don’t know how
another doctor could’ve missed it. Anyway, I certainly won’t
bother harvesting spare cadaver ligaments.
LORENZO
By
any chance are you looking for a new job?
DOCTOR
No,
I’m good here, thanks.
LORENZO
Are
you sure? How much are you making?
DOCTOR
Just
who are you, anyway?
LORENZO
This
is going to sound weird, but I manage an intramural soccer team,
except that we have a ton of cash.
DOCTOR
But
you’re not from this area then? I think I would’ve heard of
something like that around here.
LORENZO
Let’s
just say we go to great financial and geographic lengths to keep the
other teams from knowing what we’re doing. Don’t take that the
wrong way.
DOCTOR
I
think I’m going to stay where I am, thanks. (Motions for them to
leave, and they start moving).
LORENZO
Can
you at least recommend a good knee guy?
DOCTOR
Not
around here...not that you’re from here anyway. Goodbye.
SCENE
12
(Interior.
Day. DAVE gets home, utterly dejected at his failure to reclaim the
statue. He plops down on the couch and starts looking at his phone).
LORENZO
So,
five points?
DAVE
Whoa!
How’d you get in here? And how’d you know when I’d be home?
LORENZO
I
waited.
DAVE
Uh...okay.
Yeah, so five points.
LORENZO
A
mediocre result, but that’s what happens with green negotiators
looking to prove themselves with a bit of leverage.
DAVE
Well,
five points and something else I thought might be worth a lot more.
LORENZO
What
was it?
DAVE
Remember
that statue we lost right before the last game in ‘97?
LORENZO
I
thought you might say that. (He reaches into his bag and produces
the statue).
FPG
What?!
You had it the entire time! How’d you get it?
LORENZO
Think
a little. Who was managing Playground Legends at the time? (DAVE
starts to believe). Who loves to get an edge?
DAVE
Why
didn’t you just give it to me as soon as you heard I wanted it?
LORENZO
By
the time Jonas told me, you were already deep in Guffman’s lair,
and that’s the last place I’d stick my head.
DAVE
And
after that? You didn’t have my number?
LORENZO
(imitating
police sirens)
What’s
that? The sound of cops coming for me after Guffman plants stuff on
my phone and calls in a tip? You should have come to me sooner.
DAVE
I
can’t believe you of all people are telling me not to go too hard
for revenge.
LORENZO
I
got framed for maybe the worst crime there is and lost everything,
while you made a deal with the devil and the worst thing that
happened was that he dragged his feet a little. Hell, you should
probably be more mad at Phil than you are at Guffman.
DAVE
Just
give me the statue.
(LORENZO
hands it over. DAVE looks at it attentively while he’s walking out
the door).
LORENZO
Watch
where you’re going, you’re gonna break it.
USIL
League Table
Week
25
1.
Ball Kickers (49 points, 35 GD)
2.
Playground Legends (48 points, 45 GD)
11.
Chuckleboys (30 points, 10 GD)
12.
Inquisitive Horseplay (28 points, 7 GD)
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