EPISODE
7
SCENE
1
USIL
League Table
Week
31
1.
Ball Kickers (61 points, 40 GD)
2.
Playground Legends (59 points, 47 GD)
13.
Amish Rake Fight (30 points, 5 GD)
20.
DC Bullet Dodgers (15 points, -20 GD)
(Exterior.
Day. SCOTT drives up to, and stops at, a fortune-teller business.
There is an immediate flashback to a fan podcast the day before).
PHIL
We’ve
just about closed the gap on Playground Legends, but on this week’s
show I want to call out DAVE for his horrible, horrible negotiating.
Listeners will know that Legends only had five of a possible ten
points deducted. Why couldn’t you get more?
DAVE
I
got the gnome statue back that was good luck for the ‘06 title
team.
PHIL
So
what if that extra five points gives them the title? I still can’t
get why Lorenzo picked you and not me. I’m obviously the alpha of
this podcast.
DAVE
He
told me it’s because he thinks you’re a dick. But as for the
extra five points, Legends were never going to agree to ten. In
other leagues, you only get ten for going bankrupt, match fixing, or
whatever.
PHIL
You
don’t think Legends are paying the refs off?
DAVE
I
do, but good luck proving that before the end of the season.
PHIL
You
could’ve threatened that to open up that can of worms if they
didn’t accept ten points.
DAVE
And
then they would’ve tried to blame the whole fake manager thing on
us and it would’ve taken forever. The real issue here is that you
don’t want me to succeed because then you can’t be the curse
breaking hero.
PHIL
That’s
going to happen either way, because I’m right.
DAVE
Well,
what’s done is done, so I think we should just stop talking about
it and get back to what got us into this to begin with: being in the
closest community we can get these days, which is arguing about men
kicking balls with your friends.
PHIL
I’m
tearing up now. SCOTT, go to the triggering segment before I kick
DAVE off the show for being a sentimental hack with poor negotiating
skills.
(Cut
back to SCOTT entering the fortune teller’s room).
FORTUNE
TELLER
Welcome!
Please sit down.
(SCOTT
sits down).
FORTUNE
TELLER
So
which secrets can I reveal for you today?
SCOTT
Well
today, instead of asking you to look into the future, I need some
knowledge from the past.
FORTUNE
TELLER
I
can do this for you. Do you have anything that might help me form my
vision?
SCOTT
Yes,
I’m familiar with your work. (Produces some blades of grass).
These are a few blades of grass from the field. I don’t want to
ask any leading questions so just let me know what you think about
the place these came from.
(FORTUNE
TELLER takes the grass in her hand and closes her eyes. She quickly
opens them with a worried look on her face).
FORTUNE
TELLER
This
is the most accursed place I have ever encountered.
SCOTT
So
what can I do about it?
FORTUNE
TELLER
Trying
to isolate the curse is like trying to turn blue paint back into
green and yellow. I can only give you possibilities.
SCOTT
What
do you see?
FORTUNE
TELLER
A
decade ago...a man draws an ancient symbol near the field of dreams…a
proud band of champions does battle on hallowed ground...a battered
object becomes your worst enemy.
DAVE
Can
I get those to go? Can you write them down for me?
FORTUNE
TELLER: Yeah, sure. (Starts writing).
SCOTT
You
sure you can’t make them any more specific?
FORTUNE
TELLER
I’m
a fortune teller looking into the past. I can’t read the minds of
the people I see there. And besides, I have to entertain and get
repeat business, right?
SCENE
2
(Interior.
Early morning. PINCHBACK’s room. He is tossing and turning in
bed. He looks at the clock and it’s 5 AM. Shot of him gripping a
stress ball as hard as he can. The clock again: 7 AM. He shuffles
over to his medicine cabinet, hunting for painkillers. He is out,
and after the obviously futile gesture of shaking an empty bottle, he
lamely throws it to the side and picks up his phone. Cut to a shot
of LORENZO meditating in his room with his eyes wide open when the
phone rings. He answers.
LORENZO
Hello?
PINCHBACK
(weakly)
It’s
getting worse, and I’m out of pills. (His lesion-covered arm is
clearly visible).
LORENZO
I’ll
get you some more ASAP and see what I can do.
SCENE
3
(Exterior.
Day. SCOTT and DAVE are wandering through a forest).
DAVE
So
tell me what we’re doing out here?
SCOTT
Back
in 2007, when all this curse stuff started, the team played on a
different field, and I have it from a reliable source that the field
might be cursed.
DAVE
OK,
first of all, you consider a fortune teller to be a reliable source?
Maybe you should give me all your money before some Nigerian prince
takes it.
SCOTT
This
coming from a guy who thinks that recovering a gnome statue is the
key to breaking the curse.
DAVE
Second
of all, the team moved, so why would a curse on our old field matter
now?
SCOTT
And
why were the Red Sox still cursed more than 50 years after Babe Ruth
died? I just know we have to get rid of everything that could be
cursing us.
(Montage
of the two checking everything. SCOTT looks under a rock, DAVE
knocks on a tree to see whether it’s hollow, SCOTT picks up a
struggling insect and shouts at it).
SCOTT
What
do you know?!
(Cut
to the dejected duo walking back when SCOTT notices something painted
on a tree).
SCOTT
Did
you see that?
DAVE
See
what?
SCOTT
On
that tree over there. (Walks over to the tree, and DAVE follows.
When they get there they observe a symbol in chalk about two feet
long on the side of the tree. It is quite elaborate and brings the
word ‘voodoo’ to mind).
DAVE
Don’t
know how we missed this.
SCOTT
Luckily
it’s easy to fix. (Splashes water from his bottle onto the entire
symbol and then wipes it off). Think we’re uncursed now?
DAVE
I
kinda wish evil spirits would fly out or something, but I do feel a
little less curse-ish. (They both start walking back to their unseen
car. SCOTT very soon hears the sound of footsteps and chalk scraping
on a tree).
SCOTT
(in
amazement)
What
the hell? (DAVE turns around and sees what he sees. They walk up to
the man, who continues scratching away).
SCOTT
(to
WITCH DOCTOR)
What
are you doing?
WITCH
DOCTOR
What’s
it look like?
DAVE
You’re
re-applying the curse?
WITCH
DOCTOR
That’s
right.
SCOTT
How’d
you even know it was gone?
WITCH
DOCTOR
I’m
a witch doctor. I have powers.
SCOTT
Well
why are you re-cursing us to begin with?
WITCH
DOCTOR
I
maintain a variety of curses around the world. Don’t take it
personally.
SCOTT
But
why us though?
WITCH
DOCTOR
My,
so many questions with this one. Usually, a witch doctor’s motives
are inscrutable, traceable as they are back to the dawn of creation.
But in your case your field was cursed because it lies at the
intersection of several ley lines.
DAVE
What
are those?
WITCH
DOCTOR
(glancing
at his phone)
According
to Wikipedia, they are ‘ancient, straight paths or route in the
landscape which are believed to have spiritual significance.’
SCOTT
You
believe Wikipedia?
WITCH
DOCTOR
(shrugs)
Broken
clock being right twice a day, and all that.
SCOTT
Anyway:
ley lines? You can’t change where those go.
WITCH
DOCTOR
Then
I guess you’ve got nothing to worry about, do you?
SCOTT
But
we’ve moved since then. We don’t play here anymore.
WITCH
DOCTOR
Oh.
SCOTT
So
is there anything we can do to end the curse?
WITCH
DOCTOR
If
what you say is true, and the original wrong has been righted, then I
suppose I can lay this one to rest. When you wash away the hex
again, I won’t restore it.
SCOTT
Thanks.
I’m glad that’s cleared up.
DAVE
What
did you say your name was again?
WITCH
DOCTOR
You
can never know my true name. Just think of me as ‘the traveler.’
SCOTT
So
traveler...is there any chance you could curse our enemies instead?
WITCH
DOCTOR
Only
if that’s where the spirits take me. But for now, I depart.
(Disappears in a cloud of smoke).
SCOTT
(still
processing what he just saw)
Well
at least that’s over.
DAVE
It
is? What makes that guy the final authority on curses?
SCOTT
This
is unbelievable. Let’s just ignore the fact we just found out that
wizards are real for a second.
DAVE
Witch
doctors.
SCOTT
You’re
just mad that I’m the one that ended the curse and saved the team
while you got played by Guffman and started burning things on his
lawn.
DAVE
What
really happened there is that we met an actor probably working for
Guffman who was carrying a smoke bomb as part of his act and was just
waiting to make us look like chumps.
SCOTT
The
real story is that Guffman is in your head. To you it looks like
he’s an interdimensional 4D time-traveling Machiavelli,
manipulating you in ways you can’t even comprehend.
DAVE
We’ll
just have to agree to disagree.
SCOTT
You
know what? Let’s find out whether that guy was for real.
DAVE
And
how are we gonna do that?
SCOTT
We
have to ask around.
DAVE
I
hope you’re getting a bulk rate for all this.
SCENE
4
(Interior.
Day. FORTUNE TELLER’S place).
SCOTT
Do
you ever verify whether magic is involved in something?
FORTUNE
TELLER
No,
I can only see and hear anything connected to an item you bring me.
Technically I could also touch, taste, or smell the area but that is
more expensive and less useful.
DAVE
It’s
weird how you aren’t working for governments and intelligence
agencies then.
FORTUNE
TELLER
(putting
hands to head)
I
can see the future now...I’m doing that and every government on
earth wants me dead. You can have that one for free.
SCOTT
Forgive
my friend here. He made a bad deal and still hasn’t gotten over
it. So can you help me?
FORTUNE
TELLER
Believe
it or not, the paranormal professionals community isn’t that big
around here. I can give you a list. (Begins writing).
SCENE
5
(Interior.
Day. DAVE and SCOTT sit down with WIZARD 2 to discuss the powers
they saw earlier that day).
WIZARD
2
So
tell me about this other alleged wizard you saw.
SCOTT
Witch
doctor, he called himself. He was pretty nondescript except for the
white robes. Average height, brown hair and eyes, average build.
WIZARD
2
And
what did he do?
SCOTT
He
appeared out of nowhere to reapply a sign we’d just erased, then
disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
WIZARD
2
I
think I know who you mean. Temporal displacement, high-level
illusionism, curses lasting for years...all this points to the work
of Magnus the White.
(DAVE
has his head in his hands at this point).
SCOTT
So
what do we do about him? How powerful is he?
WIZARD
2
Oh,
he’s very powerful. Not the most powerful, but still quite strong.
And what did he do that you dislike?
SCOTT
SCOTT
Our
old team used to play at the intersection of several ley lines, so
we’re cursed. Even though we’ve moved away since, he still kept
cursing us.
WIZARD
2
Yeah,
that’s not good. There’s no way he was unaware your team had
moved away. Someone put him up to this. (Reaction shot of DAVE, who
looks like he’s saying “I told you so.”) Do you need temporary
or permanent curse removal?
SCOTT
The
season only has two games left, actually. After that we can think
about something more long-term.
WIZARD
2
In
that case, you should go for a more active wizarding solution. Keep
the old field monitored by a wizard at all times through remote
vision runes until the season’s over.
DAVE
And
let me guess, you’re the man for the job?
WIZARD
2
Actually,
I was going to refer you to my friend, WIZARD 3. Here’s his hard.
(He hands them his card. It says “If WIZARD 3 were any better,
he’d be burned at the stake!)
SCENE
6
(Interior.
Day. LORENZO comes back from a practice and sees there is a DOCTOR
waiting for him).
DOCTOR
Are
you Lorenzo?
LORENZO
Yeah,
what is this about?
DOCTOR
How
familiar are you with Mr. Pinchback’s medical condition?
LORENZO
Doesn’t
he have a whole bunch of conditions? Not very, I guess. I’ve
never actually laid eyes on him and he never talks about it, other
than to ask me to refill his prescriptions.
DOCTOR
So
are you actually related to Mr. Pinchback? Because he named you as
his emergency contact.
LORENZO
No,
I’m just an employee of his.
DOCTOR
But
you live with him?
LORENZO
Long
story short, I have nowhere else to go.
DOCTOR
So
what do you do?
LORENZO
I
run a business of his. We also have an enemy of his in common, so
there’s that.
DOCTOR
So
aren’t you curious why I’m here?
LORENZO
Actually
I was fearing the worst.
DOCTOR
I
don’t think he’s in any danger. I just want to keep him under
observation for a few days.
LORENZO
Alright.
DOCTOR
You
don’t want to know the diagnosis?
LORENZO
Unless
I can do something about it, no. What I think he’d want most is
that I focus on my job, and worrying about his health would just get
in the way.
DOCTOR
Well.
I should be going.
LORENZO
Alright.
Fingers crossed.
SCENE
7
(Interior.
Day. The fan podcast has just finished a show).
PHIL
So
how is breaking the curse that I already broke going?
SCOTT
We’re
going to meet a wizard that the other wizard referred us to.
PHIL
Wizards
break curses? Wouldn’t you be better off with a warlock, or maybe
a witch doctor?
SCOTT
Do
you know any?
PHIL
(shaking
his head)
You
guys are idiots. Anyway, I have to return some videotapes. See ya.
(He leaves via a different exit than the one DAVE and SCOTT will soon
take).
(Cut
to a shot of DAVE and SCOTT closing the door behind them, after which
they see WIZARD 3 standing before them).
WIZARD
3
Are
you DAVE and SCOTT and are you looking for my help?
DAVE
...Yeah?
WIZARD
3
Then
prepare yourselves for the trials!
SCOTT
How?
What are they?
WIZARD
3
First
trial: prove to me that you’re real fans.
DAVE
I’ve
been on the fan podcast since the beginning, I’ve seen every single
game Ball Kickers have ever played, and I own dozens of game-worn
shirts.
SCOTT
I
have a full-back photorealistic tattoo of the first Ball Kickers team
photo, I run the biggest fan website in the world, and I never wear
red because that’s the color of the scum’s filthy rags.
WIZARD
3: Very well. Second trial: What have you sacrificed to help the
team?
DAVE
I
had to deal with Guffman.
SCOTT
I
once ended a date just because I found out the girl’s last name was
Guffman.
WIZARD
3
And
if I can get Picked Last a championship, what are you willing to do?
DAVE
I
don’t know if I’ll ever have a kid, but if I do I’ll name it
after you. Doesn’t even matter what gender.
SCOTT
Full
back tattoo with you as Jesus. Doesn’t even matter if the first
one’s in the way.
WIZARD
3
Alright.
All I can give you right now is a riddle. But if you solve it, I
will help you end the curse. Are you ready?
SCOTT
Only
one way to find out.
DAVE
Wait.
Is it gonna be an easy one? The last game against Playground
Legends is in a week.
SCOTT
Oh
look it’s the master negotiator at work again.
WIZARD
3
I’m
not sure it’s easy but you’d better work harder. The riddle is
(clears throat): Eleven years gone, out of the storm of calamities
only one rings true. A man is lost before his time, but in the heart
of evil a globe must see the light again.
DAVE
Oh,
great.
SCENE
8
(Interior.
Night. It’s after the fan podcast and DAVE has written the riddle
down and starts scribbling on the page, sporadically. Another shot,
and he’s apparently been conducting a free-association exercise.
There’s an arrow out from the word ‘storm’ linking to ‘actual
weather’ and ‘metaphors.’ ‘Man lost before his time’
connects to ‘Pinchback, Pinchback’s dad, player who died at the
beginning of the season, Jonas, etc. and also to a ‘celebrities’
section which currently has no entries. Under ‘rings’: ‘The
One Ring?’ Under ‘heart of evil’: ‘Playground Legends.’
Field: ‘Guffman’s house,’ ‘church of Satan,’ and so on.
Eventually he becomes visibly exasperated and starts palming his
face, lightly hitting his head against the desk, and so on.
Eventually he is looking over his left shoulder and standing on the
other side of the desk when PHIL comes in).
PHIL
What
are you still doing here?
DAVE
Trying
to break the curse.
PHIL
You’re
trying to break an already broken curse by straining your neck to see
an upside down sheet of paper from the wrong side of the desk?
DAVE
I
heard that if you change something about your perspective it can help
with your problems.
PHIL
And
what problem is that?
DAVE
Trying
to solve a riddle to break the curse.
PHIL
Who
will you tell once you’ve solved it?
DAVE
(a
little embarrassed)
A
wizard.
PHIL
(amused)
It’s
gonna be twice as good when we win the title now. When you don’t
solve it, it’ll prove I was right.
SCENE
9
(Interior.
Night. SCOTT is alone in the team museum. Coming upon a picture of
an old team, he reads the description: ‘One of the many Picked Last
title winners was the 1983 team, right before they moved to a new
field.’ SCOTT takes a few pictures of the cabinet’s contents and
moves to the next. There’s a photo of PINCHBACK’S dad: ‘In
2007, the team suffered a devastating defeat on the final day of the
season which handed the title to their arch-rivals, Playground
Legends. Soon after, the owner announced that his son Meriwether had
been diagnosed with a rare disease called porphyria. This seemed to
resolve a decades-long mystery: why had Meriwether never been seen?
In addition, he confirmed that someone had stolen the game ball. It
is still in the museum today’).
(SCOTT
starts looking around, making sure nobody sees him. He checks each
case in the museum, but doesn’t stay long enough to read anything,
so it becomes obvious that he’s looking for the ball. Soon he
comes to an empty spot in one of the cases, which is now occupied by
a tiny sign that says ‘Exhibit currently being restored.’ He
begins looking for any potential storage area and soon finds it,
entering and quickly finding the old soccer ball on a shelf. Picking
it up, he looks around for anyone who might see him, and bolts out of
the building).
SCENE
10
(Exterior.
Day. DAVE and SCOTT are walking toward the old fiend, with SCOTT
carrying the ball and WIZARD 3 accompanying them).
DAVE
So
let me get this straight. In order to break the curse, we have to do
something called a ball sacrifice?
WIZARD
3
You
got it.
DAVE
How
can we be sure we’re doing it right?
SCOTT
Obviously
that’s what WIZARD 3 is here to help us with.
DAVE
And
why am I here?
SCOTT
Everything
is riding on this. If GUFFMAN’S thugs show up and do something to
me and WIZARD 3 here, you have to make sure this ball gets
sacrificed.
DAVE
What
does it mean anyway, ball sacrifice?
SCOTT
Just
pop it. For this ball, we have to do it on the old field.
DAVE
And
how are we gonna pop it?
WIZARD
3
(pulling
out a knife)
With
this.
DAVE
That’s
the biggest knife I’ve ever seen. Are we sure we trust this guy?
SCOTT
If
he was gonna mess with us he could just use his wizarding powers.
DAVE
Then
why do we need a knife for this? Can’t he just use his powers?
WIZARD
3
You’ve
obviously never done a ball sacrifice before. I don’t make the
rules.
DAVE
Do
you do a lot of these?
WIZARD
3
Only
a few. It’s a lot tougher with baseball teams.
(A
twig snaps in the distance and SCOTT looks back. In the distance he
sees three of GUFFMAN’S THUGS approaching).
SCOTT
Damn,
Guffman’s people are here.
WIZARD
3
Doesn’t
matter. They’re too late to stop us.
(The
three reach the field. SCOTT places the ball on the ground and
raises the knife high and plunges it into the ball. At that moment
GUFFMAN’S THUGS emerge from the woods some distance away).
SCOTT
(holding
up the deflated ball)
You’re
too late! (The three of them take off running, taking the ball with
them).
(Cut
to a shot of Ball Kickers playing against Great Balls of Fire. They
are down 1-0, but now that the curse has been lifted, the goals start
flying in and they win 4-1).
(Cut
to another shot of WIZARD 1 drawing the curse symbol near the field,
but once he’s done, it disappears. Dumbfounded, he draws it again,
and again it disappears. There’s another reaction shot).
SCENE
11
(Exterior.
Day. LORENZO checks his phone during practice for messages from
PINCHBACK, but none are forthcoming. He returns to the house and
goes straight to his room. He checks again: nothing. One of his
familiar manila envelopes is pulled from his desk and plopped down
onto it. He stares at it ruefully for a few seconds. Finally, he
goes down and knocks at PINCHBACK’S door).
LORENZO
Meriwether?
(Waits a few seconds, then tries again). Are you in there?
(Once
again there is no response, and he decides to go in and look for him,
being careful to minimize the light getting into the room. Having
never been in the room, he checks everywhere, methodically, but is
soon convinced he has exhausted the possibilities. At a loss, he
goes to search the medicine cabinet. There are still a few pills
left. Then, the fateful choice: he steps outside. In the distance
he sees PINCHBACK standing with his back turned to him, though he has
only circumstances by which to identify him and not appearance: he’s
never seen PINCHBACK. Amazed, he approaches and calls out to
PINCHBACK).
LORENZO
Meriwether?
(PINCHBACK
steps away from him and sits down on a rock while LORENZO is moving
toward him).
LORENZO
Meriwether?
Is that you? (Pause). Aren’t you going to start getting terrible
skin lesions any second?
PINCHBACK
After
a while, I just decided to take my chances. And I decided that if I
came out looking like a lobster boy, that’s just the way it works
sometimes.
LORENZO
So
you’re cured?
PINCHBACK
Don’t
ruin the moment. I don’t think I’ve ever been outside before.
LORENZO
(a
brief pause)
So
is there anything you want to do?
PINCHBACK
Yeah.
(Finally turns to LORENZO which is the first time he’s seen his
face). Just bring me my guns.
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