Ball Kickers Episode 4

EPISODE 4

SCENE 1

USIL League Table

Week 13

1. Playground Legends (30 points, 39 GD)

4. Bye Week (22 points, 20 GD)

5. Ball Kickers 22 points, 19 GD)

11. Stepdad (15 points, -1 GD)

(Exterior. Day. A PLAYGROUND LEGENDS ASSISTANT (PLA) is taking a walk when he gets a text. He checks it immediately: it’s from Guffman. It reads: ‘the time has come.’ PLA grins).

(Interior. Day. GUFFMAN’S office. GUFFMAN and PLA are already pacing around the room, discussing ideas).

GUFFMAN

Since Jonas just got injured yet again, I think now’s the time to make everyone on Ball Kickers go through a ‘Hell Day.’ I don’t think they have any chance of beating us, but it’s best to crush them now instead of waiting to snatch victory from them at the last minute. The first thing we should do is mess with Jonas somehow.

PLA

What are you thinking?

GUFFMAN

Does he have any friends on other teams that we know of? We should get one of them to show him what he’s missing by staying with Ball Kickers.

PLA

I haven’t heard of anyone like that, but I’ll look into it. It would be best if that person was one of our players, or at least working for us.

GUFFMAN

Great. As for the rest of them, I’ve already looked around for any people or businesses Pinchback might contact, and let them know about his manager’s past. But what else can we do?

PLA

Well what do we know about Pinchback? We need to know A) what he likes and B) how to mess with it.

GUFFMAN

I was hoping you could tell me that stuff.

PLA

I’ll look into it. Maybe he has social media somewhere, or an email we can use to find out what his interests are. We could also just go for the classics. The flaming bag of crap on the front doorstep. Strippergrams.

GUFFMAN

No, I don’t think Pinchback will even notice any of that stuff. It’ll be Lorenzo dealing with it.

PLA

You’re not tired of messing with him yet? What’d he do?

GUFFMAN

His name ended up in a bowl. So he must’ve done something.

PLA

But there must be hundreds of names in there. They all need their lives ruined?

GUFFMAN

Until someone invents a time machine.

(There’s a pause).

PLA

Hey I know, why don’t we try to steal or buy Ball Kickers?

GUFFMAN

I like steal better, but how?

PLA

We could try to get it in divorce court.

GUFFMAN: I doubt it would work, but go on.

PLA

As far as we know, he’s not gay, and he hasn’t seen a real woman in years either.

GUFFMAN

If we could find anyone who would enter into a sham marriage with a half-vampire quasi-man as a vehicle for stealing his team, it might be funny to watch. But how are we going to get someone to do this? And we don’t even know what kind of woman he’s into, if he’s not a panromantic polygender foxkin or something, that is.

PLA

We could have every girl from Craigslist or Sugar Daddy websites competing for this.

GUFFMAN

What?

PLA

You’ve never used a sugar daddy website before? It’s not like you don’t have money.

GUFFMAN

Only losers pay for that.

PLA

Then there must be a ton of losers because this is a huge thing now. If she has a lot of student loan debt or whatever, and her real dad can’t or won’t pay, this might be her last resort.

GUFFMAN

Too bad we only get one shot at this. Any more than that, and Lorenzo will start turning them away at the door. You better pray you find some clues in his social media, or else you’ll have to go through his porn history.

PLA

Why can’t we just get someone any guy would like? I mean, she might not be 100% his type, but…

GUFFMAN

No, this is too important, and we only get one chance. You’re gonna have to go deeper than ever.

PLA

But we won’t even know whether that was him or Lorenzo. They’re in the same house.

GUFFMAN

Then rule certain things out based on when Lorenzo was out of the house.

PLA

This is more than I ever wanted to know about anyone.

GUFFMAN

It’s for the greater good.

PLA

Before I wade into that cesspool, I have a plan I want to try out.

SCENE 2

(Exterior. Day. We see JONAS milling about on the training ground, from the perspective of someone who’s clearly spying on him. This goes on long enough to make any observer impatient. After that, there’s a camera shot that shows that it’s an out of focus SBG who’s looking to meet with him. Finally, JONAS sets off on a walk very gingerly around the training ground: a path which can’t be seen from the field. JONAS is nearing a corner when SBG rounds it, pretending to be engrossed in her phone, and bumps into him).

JONAS

Ow! (Hops on one leg to a nearby bench).

SBG

Sorry! Are you okay?

JONAS

I think my knee might just have exploded.

SBG

That sucks. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

JONAS

You got any drugs?

(SBG is a bit taken aback but begins to answer):

JONAS

Actually, don’t answer that. So do you always go walking near training grounds?

SBG

Actually, it’s not an accident I’m here. (Hesitates a bit). You play on a soccer team called Ball Kickers right?

JONAS

Yeah.

SBG

My brother’s a big fan.

JONAS

Oh yeah?

SBG

Of Playground Legends.

JONAS

Oh.

SBG

And he wanted someone to break your knees or something.

JONAS

Are you hiding a baseball bat somewhere?

SBG

Well it was probably a joke, but I said why don’t we try to get you to join the team first?

JONAS

I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.

SBG

Maybe I know someone, who knows someone...you seem like a good guy. If you ever change your mind, call this number and maybe it’ll happen (hands him a piece of paper).

JONAS

Uhhh…thanks.

(JONAS starts entering something into his phone, and then we see he’s texting LORENZO: ‘Need to go to doctor ASAP’).

(JONAS thinks he sees someone approaching).

JONAS

Well I need to return some videotapes. Bye.

SCENE 3

(Exterior. Day. LORENZO and JONAS are in a car on their way to a renowned surgeon, who they think will confirm the trainer’s worst fears, that JONAS’S ACL is torn or the knee otherwise shredded and that he’ll be out for the season).

JONAS

I know it was on short notice this time, but in the future: isn’t there someone else that could drive me?

LORENZO

Come on. You should know me by now. I don’t like to take chances. But why do you ask?

JONAS

I feel like you’re going to try to get me to take drugs again.

LORENZO

I’m not, but a cynical person might say that’s because I think the doctor will do it for me.

JONAS

Even if the ACL is torn, I still could have driven the car.

LORENZO

Did you know it’s possible to hack cars now? This right here is like the President and Vice President both flying Air Force One. So I personally made sure we’re unhackable. And if Guffman has goons out front, or tells local drivers not to pick you up, or sticks banana peels on nearby sidewalks, I’m here to make sure you get better.

JONAS

I’m touched.

LORENZO

(scrutinizes the area)

No sign of goons out front.

JONAS

You’re sure?

LORENZO

(point out the only guy in front of the building): Look at that guy. Hasn’t looked up from his phone once since we got here. And if he is a badass, he’s like a stealth bomber. His spycraft is amazing. It would almost be an honor to get jumped by him. (The two walk by him and into the building without incident).

(Interior. Day).

Caption: The Doctor’s Office.

(A caption informs us that Lorenzo and Jonas have been waiting for 30 minutes despite the fact that there’s nobody else in the room. LORENZO approaches the desk).

LORENZO

Hey, can we get in soon? We’re the only ones here.

EMPLOYEE

He must be taking a long time with the last patient.

(CAPTION: “45 minutes later.” LORENZO approaches the desk again).

EMPLOYEE

(slightly less bored than before now that he realizes he’s forgotten)

Oh, right. Go on in.

(LORENZO and JONAS go through the door and in the next scene are seen entering the examination room).

(Caption: “15 minutes later.” LORENZO is now rolling around on the exam table. The DOCTOR finally enters and closes the door behind him).

DOCTOR

(pointing at LORENZO immediately)

You can’t be in here.

LORENZO

What?

DOCTOR

I’m not going to treat pedophiles, you sick bastard.

LORENZO

A), I was framed, and B) I don’t need any treatment, it’s for him.

DOCTOR

Even if you were framed, I have better things to do than try to convince the entire world that I wasn’t treating pedophiles.

LORENZO

Fine, whatever. I’ll leave. But can you at least take a look at his knee and see what you could do?

DOCTOR

From most peoples’ point of view, that would be just as bad. I think you should just go.

LORENZO

So how much is he paying you?

DOCTOR

(realizes he said too much and has been found out)

Guffman says hello.

(LORENZO and JONAS are back in the car now).

LORENZO

That might be the end, man. I just don’t know if I can keep doing this.

JONAS

I’m sure we’ll find another doctor somewhere. Even if I’m out for the season, maybe someone else will step up or some Legends players will get hurt.

LORENZO

No, it’s not that. I should have seen this coming.

JONAS

(becoming agitated)

So this is about you now? For all we know I’ll never play again!

LORENZO

You ever seen that video with a girl with a nail in her forehead? The one where her boyfriend keeps trying to take it out but she insists that it’s not about the nail? I tried to get the nail out for you, and I failed.

JONAS

Because of Guffman?

LORENZO

Yeah. I had plans for everything. Complete game plans for Playground Legends that account for every managerial possibility. What to do if Guffman tries to bankrupt Pinchback. Hell, I have dossiers on all witch doctors within a 200-mile radius. But buying out drug companies just to mess with Pinchback’s cash flow? Threatening doctors not to treat you? Maybe I should just have let you drive yourself.

JONAS

It’s alright. You guys have done a lot for me. Before Ball Kickers, getting paid to do this was just a pipe dream.

LORENZO

You can drive yourself, right?

JONAS

Yeah.

LORENZO

(tosses him the keys)

I need to get away from things for a while.

JONAS

What are you gonna do?

LORENZO

I’ll walk to a gas station and call a cab or something.

JONAS

But what if Guffman saw that coming too?

LORENZO

Then I’ll just go wherever God takes me.

SCENE 4

(Exterior. Day. LORENZO is walking down a road which resembles the one on which he left JONAS. Cut to another scene in which it appears that he is nearing the outskirts of town. Cut to another shot in which there are no buildings in sight and he is still walking along the road. He sits down on a rock, looking dejected. There is a short pause).

DISEMBODIED VOICE

Lorenzo?

(LORENZO starts looking around, even though the voice seems to come from all around him and he therefore doubts he’ll find the source).

LORENZO

Who’s that?

VOICE

Napoleon.

(LORENZO looks incredulous and starts checking his pockets).

VOICE

What are you looking for?
LORENZO

The receipt for the pills I bought because I must have gone insane.

VOICE

Why do you think that?
LORENZO

This is far from the weirdest thing, but aren’t you French?

VOICE

I’ve been dead since 1821. That’s plenty of time to learn English.

LORENZO

And why are you talking to me?

VOICE

The way heaven works is, whenever someone thinks about you, you can observe, or in rare cases, speak to them. You don’t want to know what you have to do to get that.

LORENZO

I don’t remember thinking about you.

VOICE

You’ve been walking this road for hours thinking about great strategists and how to beat Guffman. It’s no wonder you started thinking about me eventually.

LORENZO

So how do I beat him?

VOICE

I’m not gonna tell you. That would be too easy.

LORENZO

This crazy quest for revenge is all I’ve got. Why hold out on me?
VOICE

Because I want to be entertained. I know you’re doubting yourself because you think Guffman outsmarted you, and that damages your identity as a master strategist who sees everything.

LORENZO

Maybe I underestimated him, but it seems like he just outspends everyone. How else could he fire managers at random, have 80% player turnover every year, and still succeed?
VOICE

Is there any chance that you’ll get fired?
LORENZO

Zero.

VOICE

Then unless you’re going to kill yourself over this like a samurai or an admiral going down with the ship, you should keep fighting. Instead of the mastermind who never misses anything, think of yourself as someone who never gives up, no matter how improbable a comeback might seem. I’ve definitely been there.

LORENZO

Thanks, disembodied voice!

VOICE

Napoleon.

LORENZO

Whether you’re a voice in my head, the famous Napoleon, or a crazy ghost who thought he was someone he wasn’t, you gave good advice.

VOICE

Don’t let me down. Goodbye.

SCENE 5

(GUFFMAN is reading Machiavelli’s ‘The Prince’ when PLA bursts through the door).

PLA

Sir! Sir! You’ve got to see this!

GUFFMAN

You better pray you’re right or you’re going into the bowl if that door is damaged.

PLA

Pinchback just joined Twitter!

(GUFFMAN smiles immediately).

GUFFMAN

Even though at least 80% of people are morons, maybe I should learn to trust you more. Get all the trolls up.

PLA

All of them?

GUFFMAN

Oh, you heard me. We’re gonna have some fun with this one.

(Shots of various anonymous-looking internet users receiving their summons to the trollathon. One guy is looking at something to do with tentacles when he’s called up. Another is hugely fat, and it’s tough for him just to get around. Another is writing a long post on a gaming forum about how much he respects women).

SCENE 6

(Exterior. Day. LORENZO is reading a book on the habits of famous people, and learns that one habit many of them had in common was long walks in gardens. So in the next shot we see him doing just that. He’s looking very pleased, occasionally stopping to write things down in his phone, when he gets a text. We don’t see what’s in the body of the message, just that it’s from PINCHBACK. LORENZO realizes that this could be a bit long-winded and sits down on a nearby bench).

(PINCHBACK: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this before.)

(An antique pistol is visible on PINCHBACK’S desk).

(LORENZO: Tell you about what?)

(LORENZO is looking around, presumably hoping to avoid police officers and/or children).

(PINCHBACK opens a desk drawer and puts his antique pistol inside it).

(PINCHBACK: Social media.)

(LORENZO you’ve had internet access this whole time haven’t you? How could you not know about it?)

(PINCHBACK: I found out what Facebook was, but the last thing I wanted was pictures of myself online, so I wrote all of social media off. Until now that is.)

(LORENZO believes he sees someone coming, and quickly moves behind concealment but realizes it was a false alarm).

(LORENZO: So you’ve gone and joined Facebook?)

(PINCHBACK: No, Twitter.)

(LORENZO: I’d be really careful with that.)

(PINCHBACK: What could go wrong?)

(LORENZO: You never had birthday parties when you were a kid, so I’ll tell you what’s wrong with that. Sometimes, kids have a pinata, which is like a cardboard animal with candy inside, and kids take turns hitting it until the candy comes out and everyone eats themselves sick. On Twitter, a guy like you is the pinata, and everyone else is a child.)

(PINCHBACK: I think I can handle it, I’ve been a cursed, shut-in vampire my entire life. I have a good idea of what people can say about that sort of thing. Besides, they have something called the Trust and Safety Council. What could go wrong?)

(LORENZO: Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Just make sure that what happens there won’t keep players from signing with us.)

SCENE 7

(Interior. Day. A darkened room, specifically, Pinchback’s. We see him slowly walking around his room to get his computer, but we never see his face. Cut to a shot of his phone screen and he’s editing a note called ‘AGENDA.’ The camera slowly scrolls down the list of items, which include: contact antique gunsmith, manage investments, conference call with autoimmune disease specialist, continue training, and water snake plant. PINCHBACK turns off his phone and opens his computer. He goes onto his Twitter account and posts: “Big day planned in support of #BallKickers title charge. This is the year.” His post is met with a torrent of abuse and memes, such as: “Isn’t this guy dead?” “Someone’s going to put a stake through his heart before the season’s over.” “I heard Pinchback is a 40 year old virgin with a pedophile manager. What’s going on over there?” “No way Ball Kickers win it. Someone will get a hernia on the toilet or something and they’ll lose.” PINCHBACK decides to respond to the stake tweet: “This is funny to you? Do you go make fun of kids in wheelchairs too?”

And some of the responses: “He shook.” “At least his fangs will scare away the little kids, Lorenzo must be pissed.” “If Pinchback turns into a bat, where does he go at night? A) orphanage B) Jared Fogle’s computer?

“Pinchback is probably one step away from dressing like Buffalo Bill at this point.”

SCENE 8

(Interior. Day. We see GUFFMAN and PLA looking at the screen, laughing. Through the camera shots we are given to understand that they’ve seen PINCHBACK’S tweet. GUFFMAN begins the process of reporting PINCHBACK to the trust and safety council).

GUFFMAN

(voiceover, typing)

Dear support, it has come to my attention that one of your newest members, Meriwether Pinchback, has been engaging in both ableism against the wheelchair bound and ageism against young people in several tweets. Also, he is a member of several hate groups and definitely a racist. Furthermore, he has expressed a political opinion slightly different from yours in the past. Sincerely, Gordon Guffman.)

(In the next cut we see PINCHBACK typing away, but in mid-sentence we see a message appear on the screen ‘Your account has been suspended. Please click here to learn more.’ He does so and sees the message: “You have been suspended for the following tweet: ‘kids in wheelchairs.’ Twitter does not tolerate ableism, ageism, racism, hate speech, or political disagreement. Your account will not be restored. -The Trust and Safety Council.”)
(PINCHBACK opens the drawer containing the pistol and we clearly see it).

SCENE 9

(Interior. Night. We see PLA in his room, and he texts GUFFMAN: ‘Do I still have to do this?’ to which the reply is ‘Do we own Ball Kickers yet?’ Cuts between PLA doing various things: looking at his phone, drinking, doing pushups, reading, and so on. Finally, he looks at his watch, takes a deep breath, and opens his laptop. He opens a network traffic analyzer tool and goes to work. It takes him a few steps to get to what he believes is the traffic coming from Pinchback’s house, but then we cut to a word on the screen, followed by PLA’s reaction, several times. ‘Casting couch,’ and he shrugs. ‘Schoolgirl,’ and he maintains a poker face. ‘Teen,’ and he frowns a bit, starting to believe that his search for actionable information will be in vain. ‘Midget’ is seen on the screen, and he’s a bit disgusted. ‘Clowns,’ only more so. ‘Furry,’ and he’s out of his seat shaking his head, angered. ‘Tranny,’ ‘BBW,’ and ‘cuckold,’ and he’s on his bed covering his head with his pillow, evidently hoping for the end to come).

SCENE 10

(Interior. Day. The Playground Legends offices again. PLA is discussing what he’s learned with GUFFMAN).

PLA

Basically, we learned that whoever’s watching porn over there is into every deviancy there is...fatties, trannies, midgets, furries, you name it. And we can’t know who’s searching for what, since neither convicted pedophiles nor lifelong invalids get much action, so they’re both likely to be into some pretty weird stuff.

GUFFMAN

Since the search history didn’t help us, just get on some sugar baby website and find some you think Pinchback will like. If it turns out that Lorenzo’s into her instead, that’s almost as good.

PLA

Can’t we just use the same girl as before?

GUFFMAN

Nah I want to do interviews this time, our window’s closing.

PLA

I just wish we’d done this to begin with. Until brain transplants are invented, that search history can’t be unseen.

GUFFMAN

If you keep this up, your name’s going in the bowl.

(Shot of PLA frowning, but with his back turned to GUFFMAN, and opening up his computer).

SCENE 11

(Interior. Day. It’s the Playground Legends offices again. GUFFMAN and PLA are there, but so the girl they sent after JONAS.)

SBG

(smiling, maybe twirling her hair, etc.)

So what do you guys want? And there was only supposed to be one of you.

PLA

This isn’t for us. How much do you charge for sham marriages?

SBG

I don’t know. How long would it last? Is he hot?

GUFFMAN

An enemy of mine owns a sports team, and I want you to marry him and get the team from him in the divorce.

SBG

(with a smile)

How much am I gonna get for this? I’ve got some student loan debt.

GUFFMAN

$10K.

SBG

Come on. I have a lot more to pay off than that!

GUFFMAN

Sorry, but that’s what I’m offering.

SBG

But I’m gonna have to marry him AND get divorced? That’ll take forever! And on top of that, I remember from last time that he’s an old vampire or something? And besides, I’m worth way more.

GUFFMAN

Why shouldn’t I get some other girl to do this job? There are tons of college girls with student loans to pay off.

SBG

It’s amazing that I even got into school, because half the time I was in high school I would skip school and go to the business district instead to watch businessmen with my friend. There’s no way those other girls are as good as me.

GUFFMAN

I like your commitment. But this guy isn’t that old, he’s my age and he probably looks normal until he goes into direct sunlight. And besides, all you have to do is divorce him. Whatever else happens is none of my business.

SBG

Come on, you’re busy right? If you don’t pick me, you’ll spend the whole day looking for other girls who aren’t as good.

SCENE 12

(Exterior. Day. SBG is outside of Pinchback’s house and rings the doorbell. LORENZO soon opens the door).

SBG

Hi, I’m here to see Meriwether Pinchback. Is that you? Can I come in?

LORENZO

(looking at SBG for a few seconds until he has a realization)

No, I’m not him. Let me go tell him that you’re here. (He starts to go towards MP’s room but then doubles back). Actually you can come in. (They both sit down at the kitchen table).

SBG

Aren’t you going to go get him?

LORENZO

So where did you say you were from again?

SBG

That’s none of your business.

LORENZO

Come on, I already know everything. You might as well confess.

SBG

Know what? Isn’t he going to be mad when he finds out you kept me from him?

LORENZO

We recently had someone look at all our network traffic. Then, you show up. Coincidence?

SBG

So you look at porn and someone else knows about it?

LORENZO

It was Guffman, wasn’t it?

SBG

I don’t know who that is. You really can’t believe your boss wants to meet me?

LORENZO

For all I know, his face would melt.

SBG

Now you’re making me blush.

LORENZO

What’s he paying you? Maybe I can get you a bit more. You’re from one of those sugar baby websites, aren’t you?

SBG

Sorry, no pedos.

LORENZO

You’re under 18? Get out!

SBG

No, I’m over 18, but…

LORENZO

So you are working for him! You know that was a frameup, right?

(SBG leaves the house and has the door slammed behind her. She immediately gets a text from GUFFMAN: ‘No deal.’)